Non-PC thoughts of gentlemen's agreements, male waitresses

If you thought the language is being emasculated here, you should see what's going on in Merrie Olde England, birthplace of our mother tongue.

In Britian's public sector, they're making a real effort to stamp out all language that smacks of racism, sexism, and whatever other -ism is deemed fashionable these days. Dozens of taxpayer-funded organizations have ordered workers not to use certain common terms because they might offend some people, according to London newspapers.

Which means it's not a "black day," but a miserable day. Not a "gentleman's agreement," but "unwritten agreement." Not even "ethnic minority," as that can imply something smaller and less significant.

Even "right-hand man" is a no-no these days, though I'm sure it's because it's supposed to be sexist and not a slam on those who use the other hand. Of course I'll admit I really thought they were aiming at the right-handed part -- me being a male who does most things with my left hand might have something to do with that perception.

Here we've had our own forays into politically correct language. We wait for the mail carrier or mailperson, not the mailman. And that metal plate in the middle of the street covers a personhole, not a manhole. Years ago we've stopped using "fireman" to describe those brave but crazy people who make a living out of going into burning buildings -- they're firefighters. A good thing, that. "Fireperson" doesn't roll off the tongue like a properly-executed word should. It doesn't, well, sing.

Over the years we've altered the language to soften the hard edges of reality. Like we don't say someone dies, he passes away. It's not a strip club, it's a "gentlemen's club," ignoring the fact you wouldn't find very many gentlemen there -- and the girls are exotic dancers, not strippers.

One doesn't have to look much further than the military and foreign affairs to see how our language has softened, what with the destablilizations, collateral damage, and WMD's. Makes me long for the good old days of George Patton:

"No bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country."

Can you imagine a straight talker like Patton trying to function in today's world? Forget it. He'd spent much of his career in and out of trouble anyway; today he'd never get out of it.

A "gentleman's agreement" is probably the only remnant of an old tradition. The phrase implies a deal that's made over a handshake. It's just your word and my word while the lawyers stay home. I can't see that happening these days, not the direction our society has gone. But I still like the phrase, if only for old times' sake.

And if I call a spade a spade, what's the bigger offense? Speaking the truth, or using the term "spade," which became a derogatory word for a black person?

No less a man than Winston Churchill allegedly referred to his occasional periods of depression as "the black dog." I use that same expression; the ol' pooch has left some gigantic stains on my living room rug over the years. Because it's so descriptive I'm not going to change my wording just to make a few folks happy.

Admittedly, I've made some adjustments over the years. If I order a black coffee, the waitress -- pardon, server -- may or may not understand what I mean anymore. So I'll ask for the coffee "straight up." Watch this: The day may come when even that's not acceptable -- and right now around the San Francisco area that request may get me slapped by a dozen folks of, uhh, alternative lifestyles.

(Personal footnote: I'm still ticked off at the alt-lifestyle crowd because they've co-opted a perfectly good word -- gay -- and squeezed all the original meaning out of it. OK, that was decades ago, but I'll get over it in my own goood time.)

OK. So what's the harm in fiddling with the language?

Now hear this: Fuzzy, indistinct, sanitized language means fuzzy, indistinct, sanitized thinking. No two ways about it.

Obama said "just words" in response to criticism of his former pastor Jeremiah Wright's fiery anti-American rhetoric.

"Just words?" Bat guano. Words mean something around here. They reflect thought, they reflect what comes out of someone's heart. If the words are empty, you can bet the head and heart are too.

I'll admit, I love wordplay. I used to know this Japanese guy who liked to get drunk and sing Hank Williams songs real loud. He thought it was funny when I called him a "yellowneck," but that's the only way I could describe him. And at this one restaurant the wait staff consisted of several females and one male who clearly had, uhh, one of those alternative lifestyles (my first hint was when he ignored my date and tried to flirt with me instead). The females referred to him as "our male waitress."

That restaurant no longer exists. Maybe it was shut down by the language police.