Zombie invasion? CDC has some emergency procedures for you

They come out at night ...

... in search of brains ...

... and the Center For Disease Control wants you to know what to do in the event of a zombie invasion.

Maybe the whole idea came from all those pepperoni pizzas washed down with way too much Mountain Dew, but the CDC put out a blurb outlining preparedness steps when the undead come a-calling.

Seriously. Check it out. Here's the link.

"The rise of zombies in pop culture has given credence to the idea that a zombie apocalypse could happen." wrote CDC official Ali Khan. "In such a scenario zombies would take over entire countries, roaming city streets eating anything living that got in their way. The proliferation of this idea has led many people to wonder 'How do I prepare for a zombie apocalypse?' "

One of the first things I think of immediately is that the CDC is a governmental function, and they're screwing off on taxpayer time. But this CDC announcement may actually make more sense than just about any other governmental release. Well, kinda sorta.

"Well, we’re here to answer that question for you, and hopefully share a few tips about preparing for real emergencies too," Khan continues.

OK. Now we're cooking. Khan then outlines some preparedness procedures that could serve you well in a pandemic, a hurricane, or zombie invasion.

Craziness aside, what I get from my reading is that it's hard to sell preparedness to the public. Hurricanes are not sexy enough. Earthquakes don't have that "it" factor. Even a multi-angled event such as a Katrina (featuring disasters such as a hurricane, massive flooding, societal breakdown and FEMA) and Japan's recent earthquake/tsunami/nuclear trifecta aren't enough to sway the populace in the semi-civilized world.

The CDC rationale, it seems, is to come up with something really over the top to garner public attention -- such as a zombie takeover. It is unbelievably tempting for me to say something about how the zombies already took over several years ago and were the difference-maker in the 2008 Presidential election, but I'm not gonna say it. I'm not gonna say it.

Later with these pedestrian hurricanies, tsunami, nuclear mutant monsters from Japan, and even space aliens. All of these have been done to death, and in our ADHD culture, you've got to hit the public hard, frequently, and from a variety of angles.

I can understand that complacency, somewhat. I grew up in California, the place where visitors and new arrivals get scared because of earthquakes. Well, there are a lot of other scary things about California, but right now I'm just going to key on earthquakes. To a new arrival, any shaking of the ground is enough to trigger a full-blown panic attack. However, it takes a Richter Scale hit of at least six-something to move the longtime resident. Don't pester me over a little trembling; if dishes fly out of the cupboards, then call me.

As far as construction goes, whole metro areas are built along earthquake fault lines. The Inland Empire, which for decades saw the fastest growth of any area in California, is nestled along the San Andreas and San Jacinto Faults. The San Jac passed underneath the a) the freeway interchange of I-10 and I-215 that had some pretty big skyhooks, b) the men's department of Fedco, and c) the San Bernardino Valley College campus. Did I worry about getting caught in the mother of all earthquakes during my classes at Valley? Not at all. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't.

I now live near Charleston, South Carolina, known to outsiders as hurricane country. Every year we go through the same drill here -- pick up a hurricane tracking map at the Piggly Wiggly, and make noises about putting together a plan. Which usually never comes off. Here, life goes on. We watch the hurricanes develop in the Atlantic, note that for a moment Charleston is named the primary target, then relax when the hurricane takes its usual dogleg right turn. We do have an evacuation every decade or so, but the last hurricane of any real consequence to hit the Lowcountry was Hugo in 1989. Since then the wreckage was cleared out, the sea islands were built back up, and everything went back to normal.

For the record, I do have a skeletal emergency plan in case the Son Of Hugo blows the roof off my mobile home. I have a backpack loaded with clothing sleeping bag, rope and tarp, plus some prepackaged rations I'm starting to collect. This is really in anticipation of a hike I'm planning, but if something weird happens before then (fire? Flood? The PC Police knocking at my door?) it's nice to know I'm somewhat prepared.

Standard survival items, straight from the CDC, include:

* Water (1 gallon per person per day)
* Food (stock up on non-perishable items that you eat regularly)
* Medications (this includes prescription and non-prescription meds)
* Tools and Supplies (utility knife, duct tape, battery powered radio, etc.)
* Sanitation and Hygiene (household bleach, soap, towels, etc.)
* Clothing and Bedding (a change of clothes for each family member and blankets)
* Important documents (copies of your driver’s license, passport, and birth certificate to name a few)
* First Aid supplies (although you’re a goner if a zombie bites you, you can use these supplies to treat basic cuts and lacerations that you might get during a tornado or hurricane)

Gee, I think I have room in my backpack for the best defense against zombies: A shotgun. Gotta be prepared for anything.

###

Support your local TSA (or not)

Got these courtesy of talk show host Neal Boortz. Check 'em out -- they're a real hoot.

Remember, though: No laughing in the airport pat-down line. No levity whatsoever. (I found this last part out the hard way while boarding from Kona Airport, but that was too long ago to go into.)

###

Air show: Not the same old base

I love air shows, and I was seriously considering going to the one at the Charleston Air Force Base Saturday.

Thought about it, but I believe I'll pass.

You know it's not the same old air force base, not with post-9/11 Homeland Security being a fact of life. You can't just go onto the base without a search.

I got this from the Air Expo website, and this gives me an idea of what to expect:

Prohibited items include:

• Coolers
• Backpacks
• Gym Bags
• Glass Bottles
• Alcohol
• Knives
• Fire Arms
• Car alarms must be disabled for the duration of the air show

Again, not the same old base.

Back in my pre-9/11 taxi driving days, I used to cut through the base as a shortcut. Make up a name at the gate, and no one was the wiser. "I'm here to pick up Airman Mingus and Lt. Coltrane," I used to say, and no one minded.

Now, without military ID you can't even go on that base.

OK. Fact of life.

Executive decision: I'm going to watch it from the convenience of my front yard. This is the one time I consider myself lucky to live underneath a landing approach pattern.

###

Geography lesson, or Where's Arizona?

This came from commentator Neal Boortz, and it is proof positive that intelligence and/or a knowledge of geography are not required for elected officials. 

But then, Wisconsin is a long way from Arizona. Almost a different country. Oh, wait ...

A MEMBER OF THE DUMB-MASSES: 

Boortz: "OK .. now that I have made my sermon. Watch this video. This is Democrat County Supervisor Peggy West of Milwaukee demonstrating her exceptional knowledge of geography during a meeting. Unbelievable. You people of Milwaukee should be ashamed."

Too bad the video ends right there, without showing West's reaction for being so badly shown up. So I offer another snippet of video that may capture the county supervisor's reaction:

Thank you, Gilda!

###

Airport security: A modest proposal

I'm not sure who originally wrote this, but I like the idea. It was one of those Fw: emails that crosses my transom, sent by my mom.


In all, it sounds like a good workable solution. Later with all these pat-downs at the airport security line and invading your carry-on luggage. This is quick, clean (well, sort of), and cheap in the long run.


Here it is:


Here's the solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners and racial profiling at the airports:


Have a booth that you can step into that will not x-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your body. It would be a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of this crap about racial profiling and this method would eliminate a long and expensive trial. Justice would be quick and swift.


This is so simple that it's brilliant. I can see it now. You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers. We now have a seat available on flight number 4665 .... Paging maintenance. Shop Vac needed in booth number 4."


See, it could work. Who's with me on this?

###

Multitasking while driving? Survey shows how many people do what

Distracted driving? How distracted?

I found this in Consumerist.com, which links to an article in Wired. The upshot is, folks will do just about everything under the sun when they should be driving and paying attention. 

Survey: 15% Of Drivers Getting Their Swerve On While Driving: "

From cell phones to stereos to billboards to those pesky other vehicles on the road, driving a car comes with a whole host of distractions. A new survey attempts to quantify just how many people are being distracted by the various and sundry things vying for drivers' attention.

The online survey, conducted by cell phone headset makers Jabra, came up with some interesting -- if not terribly scientific -- results.

Among the more lurid: 15% of respondents admitted to having "performed sex or other sexual acts” while driving, though what exactly "other sexual acts" means is left to the filthy part of your imagination. And, as the folks at Wired.com pointed out, the survey required no proof of respondents' carnal car exploits.

Meanwhile, 35% of those surveyed said they had changed articles of clothing while in the driver's seat. One would have to guess that at least some of these people belong to the 15% mentioned above.

On the high end, 72% of respondents admitted to eating or drinking a beverage while behind the wheel.

Though just about everyone has used their cell phone in the car, only 1/3 of those in the survey use a headset of some sort. Also, despite being illegal in more than half the U.S., 28% say they have texted while driving; 12% confessed to reading and sending e-mails.

More frightening, at least to me, are the 5% who admitted to having played video games during a driving session. I just hope they weren't playing MarioKart.

Says a dude from Jabra's parent company:

It is truly unbelievable what people are doing while driving... The results of our survey show that so many people are distracted and doing other things while on the road — even though they know the consequences that can occur. We hope that people will soon understand the implications of these bad behaviors and will change their own behavior accordingly.

Of course, part of 'changing their behavior' would mean 'buying more Jabra headsets.'

Which of these risky behaviors do you exhibit? Do you do something dangerous that didn't make the list?

Surprising Number of People Get It On While Driving [Wired.com]

OK, boys and girls. Heavy confession time, and you can call this my own at-the-wheel bucket list. I have:

- Eaten while driving

- Trimmed my beard while driving.

- Consumed coffee at the wheel. Of course. I consume coffee any time, while doing anything, for any reason.

- Played harmonica while driving. Sometimes I've done this on my way to a gig, having a warmup set on some state highway.

- Talked on the phone while driving, both with and without a headset.

- Sent text messages while at the wheel. Once. It terrified me, so I gave up the practice immediately.

- Read newspapers, or more likely maps, while driving.

- Played CDs while driving, including changing out a disk. And, while riding a bicycle, cycled through song lists on an mp3 player.

- Fought drunk passengers while driving; one of the things I don't miss about my taxi driving days.

- Written while driving. With the clipboard on the console, steering with one hand, and without looking at what I was writing. I used to do that quite often in my newspaper days. Amazingly, I was able to read what I wrote.

- Made obscene gestures at a Presidential candidate while driving. Seriously. It was Walter Mondale in 1984. He was in a motorcade en route from San Bernardino to L.A., and his escorting officers had all freeway drivers pull to the right and stop. I did, I was ticked, and I gave the famous gesture when his limo blazed by at 90 mph. Since I was stopped, I had both hands free and I was able to use both for the double bird. I'm still amazed I wasn't arrested.

- Driven barefoot. It really is not illegal. I usually do this on long hauls; the better to feel the pedals. You actually get better gas mileage this way.

- Changed clothes while driving. Unfortunately, I always ended up looking like I dressed in the dark.

Did I ever, as the article suggests, "get my swerve on" at the wheel? None of your business. I ain't sayin' nothing. I'll take the Fifth.

###

Does Facebook need its own anti-malware service?

I got this from ReadWriteWeb, and am running it in its entirety. It's interesting, even though the writers were too kind to Facebook. This, by the way, was a sponsored post--meaning it's pretty suspect. My comments are interjected below.

Does Facebook Need Its Own Anti-Malware Service?: "

Does Facebook need to run its own anti-virus and anti-malware security system? That's a question that may need to be addressed in the near future as the now almost 500 million users on the social networking service are facing regular attacks from rogue applications, phishing attempts and other sorts of hacks, not to mention the onslaught of viral, but often completely inaccurate reposted status messages that spread around the network like modern-day chain letters. These messages warn users about some supposed threat occurring on site, but are often either misguided or out-and-out lies.

Out and out lies, my butt. I spent about an hour chasing down something that a) sent random weird messages to my Facebook friends and b) was identified as malware by several excellent sources. This missive smacks of spin control to me.

Is it time for Facebook to step in and do more to protect its network and its users from threats like these?

Rogue Facebook Apps Top Rogue Anti-Spyware During Busy Weekend

The latest threat to make the rounds on Facebook is a rogue application dubbed 'Distracting Beach Babes.' The app compromised the security of thousands of users' accounts by way of status messages that appear to be from friends. But when the users click through on the tantalizing link, they're asked to give an application permission to run. The app then tells users they must update their 'FLV player' before they can see the video. Those that attempt to do so are sent off-site to another page where malware is installed on their computer.

This is hardly the first rogue application to take advantage of Facebook's automated app approval systems. In fact, only days ago, a similar attack was underway. This one was a link to what was purportedly the 'sexiest video ever!' (Those hackers sure know how to entice, don't they?)

Shoot, this wasn't even the first attack involving the FLV player. If y'all haven't read the sordid tale yet, do so. 

This particular application led to a very busy weekend for anti-virus firms, indicating a major push by rogue Facebook apps, says AVG's chief research officer, Roger Thompson. Via the AVG website, Thompson reported that from midnight to 9 a.m. on May 15, its anti-malware software blocked more than 30,000 rogue Facebook applications, more than three times the rate of rogue anti-spyware.

In other words, the new anti-malware wave won't be coming from email, IM or other random websites users are tricked into visiting. It will come from your Facebook friends... or so it will seem.

Thompson acknowledged that Facebook's security team was 'very responsive' in identifying and removing these sorts of rogue applications, but Facebook's by-default viral nature allowed them to spread rapidly and affect large numbers of users before the apps could be removed. 'This attack was actually stunning in terms of scale,' he said.

"Very responsive?" I'll bite. This issue came to my attention May 2. If they were "very responsive," this would be a dead issue and no more needs to be said or written. 

Oh. I forgot. It was a different video this time. That'll throw 'em every time. Silly me.

Rogue Apps, Phishing, Scams and More

Other recent Facebook-related malware attacks have included fake Facebook password reset emails, the seemingly never-ending spread of the Koobface worm, the 'stalk my profile' scam (a rogue app with 25 variations, claiming it could tell you who visited your profile), the rogue 'like' app (which borrows the infamous like icon), and many others. Other unpatched attack vectors pop up everyday, like this security hole which researcher Joey Tyson (a.k.a theharmonyguy) describes as a 'dream situation for phishing.' This vulnerability is especially troubling as it enables a hacker to present a convincing Facebook login page that actually contains the term 'facebook.com' within its URL. (See it action here. Can you tell that's not the real Facebook.com?)

The situation has gotten so bad that users, in an attempt to be helpful, end up spreading around messages about various threats. Unfortunately, the threats they report are often false or are simply harmless bugs that Facebook is fixing, adding to the confusion. Case in point is the warning that anyone who received 'tons of friend suggestions' was infected with a virus. The reality, ironically, involved a widespread misunderstanding of the actual Facebook friend suggestion feature. The situation is so out of control that people are now spreading jokes poking fun at the trend itself.

See my above comment. If this was a bug Facebook was fixing, this would not be an issue. Next question ...?

Facebook's Security Efforts to Date

For what it's worth, earlier this year, Facebook implemented virus-scanning for the PCs of compromised users after they had fallen victim to an attack. The company also runs its own Security Page, which serves as a warning system of sorts. The page now has over 1.8 million fans (or in the new lingo, 'people who like this'). But on a network of nearly 500 million, this is the equivalent of a drop in the bucket. And it may not be enough to combat this ever-growing threat.

Ohh, yeah. Online virus scanning of the end user's computer. There are a few services that offer this; you will see their ads popping up every once in a while. Unfortunately, these are the kind of "services" that ad a whole different breed of malware to your computer. I'll pass on that.

And Facebook implementing this virus scanning? The way they totally don't give a rip about user security, I'd pass on that too. And if you have half a brain, you'll likewise pass.

Sophos security researcher Graham Cluley recently pondered this same question, asking, 'Isn't it time that Facebook set up an early warning system on their network, through which they can alert their... users about breaking threats as they happen?' The impact of such a feature could be dramatic, he explains. 'Imagine just how many people could have been protected if a simple message had appeared on all users' screens warning them of the outbreak.'

Whether an early warning system is actually needed is debatable. Another option would be for Facebook to more closely monitor the applications submitted to its platform. As the New York Times recently reported, 'Facebook's automated system for application developers leaves a door open to the creation and distribution of abusive applications,' even if the apps' ability to spread is short-lived.

But apps that only live for a few hours can still have thousands of victims. Maybe it's time for Facebook to make sure they never get to live at all?

Image credits in original article: Facebook; Sophos

Bottom line: Facebook has not earned my trust. There's no way on this earth I'd trust them to do anything with my computer. I won't even let them wipe the dust off my screen. And now this?

###

'Duck And Cover' brings back some memories

Remember this?



I think I saw this in my kindergarten class. Rather a tense time, what with Khruschev and Castro feeling their oats.

Anyway, I was doing my usual manic Google thing, and uncovered this. I think it was originally done in 1951, and became a schoolhouse staple until the 1980s.

I forgot the turtle had a name. It's Bert.

Thought I'd share this little piece of nostalgia with you. Enjoy.

###

15 years later, Oklahoma City terror attack recalled

I don't rightly remember what I was doing when I heard about the Oklahoma City bombing in 1995. I was probably on my way to work. But the bombing, which for the next six years was called "the worst terrorist attack on American soil," became part of my life over the next few weeks. Now, 15 years after the attack, memories come back in a flood.

It's one of those things that you can't forget unless you're lobotomized. Nor is it something that should be forgotten. Maybe if we Americans had a lot more memory and a lot less wishful thinking, we'd be much better off as a nation. But I digress.

I do remember a rather strange incident a few weeks earlier. A bomb went off in a vacant lot near where I worked, and being the dutiful reporter I went to check it out. As far as the cops were concerned, evidence was pretty thin. It didn't merit a lot of attention at the time, and the story didn't get more than a paragraph or two. I could have ended the story with that horrendous news cliche, "the investigation is continuing, police said," and I wouldn't have been far off.

Oh. A little footnote about work. I was editor/reporter/photographer/layout man for The Mohave County Standard, based in Kingman, Arizona.

As news of the Oklahoma City bombing became public and a suspect was named, I knew I was going to live with this story for a while. The prime suspect, Timothy McVeagh, lived in Kingman.

There was more. He worked at a hardware store in town with another Kingman resident named Michael Fortier. He kept a mailbox at a local mail-drop business. He rented his movies at a local video store. He was all over Kingman, and soon the FBI was also all over Kingman. For a while the FBI worked with the theory that the vacant-lot explosion was a test run; if I remember straight, evidence suggested fuel oil and fertilizer was the explosive agent -- same stuff that was used to destroy the Alfred Murrah Federal Building.

I don't know if Mac McCarty is still around. Mac was in his early 70s at the time, and I knew him quite well. Mac was the one who reminded me it is grammatically incorrect to refer to someone as an ex-Marine. Mac always carried a gun -- in Arizona you could carry one openly back then -- and he was upset that he had to check his weapon in at the door whenever he went into the county courthouse. He'd staged one-man protests defending his Second Amendment rights in front of the courthouse, with a sign in his hands and his weapon on his hip.

Mac had a little side business when Arizona revamped its weapon-carry laws. To legally carry a concealed weapon, you needed to take a class in handgun safety, and Mac was accredited as a teacher. For a time, he had two students in one of his classes -- Timothy McVeagh and Michael Fortier.

Mac wasn't sure why these two were in his class. They both knew their way around a firearm, he told me. The closest he could figure was that maybe they were involved in militia activity and they were looking for interested people. Mac said he would have been interested in hanging out with the two if that was the case.

While the FBI staked out Kingman, the national and international media also swarmed my town. And many of the foreign reporters -- from the Sydney Herald in Australia, and the L.A. Times in California -- thought the town was a real hoot. Militia types everywhere, they reported. Strong anti-government sentiment all around. Most people lived in mobile home parks, flush toilets had just arrived, and FAX machines had yet to be installed. Or something.

It's true the folks in northern Arizona are a little different from the rest of the country. We Southwesterners (and I freely use "we" because I lived out there for a long time and these roots still show) don't usually recognize foreign powers, and Washington, DC is about as foreign as it gets. We tend to take matters in our own hands and go to the government later, if we think
about it.

But in the weeks and months after that bombing that killed 168 people -- many of them children at a day-care center -- my memories come out in chunks:

• Spending an evening on a press stakeout in front of Michael Fortier's house while the FBI executed a search warrant. His was easy to pick out; it had the Gadsden flag ("Don't Tread On Me") flying proudly in the front yard. I talked my way into his next-door neighbor's living room for a chat; she was in her 80s and rather thrilled at all this drama in her neighborhood. The FBI sprung for about a dozen large pizzas for the press, so they got on my good side for at least a few minutes.
  

• Stopping in at a military surplus place, Archie's Bunker, to pick up a gas mask bag -- which is great for carrying cameras and film. The place was across the street from the National Guard Armory, which served as the FBI staging area. I know they were monitoring the doors of Archie's Bunker; I'm probably on some federal film archive somewhere.
  
  
• Talking to a man who was bicycling from Kingman to Oklahoma City. He wanted to raise funds and awareness, and to let the people in Oklahoma City know we're not all bad in Arizona.
  
  
• Meeting a delegation of visitors from Somalia. I'm not sure why they visited Kingman, but they sure had some preconceived notions about the place. In broken English, one told me he'd heard about "these people who did bad things and now they're ..." That's when, searching for the right word, he held his wrists together in that international gesture. In handcuffs.
  
  
• Hearing from a magazine called Media Bypass, an alternative publication that was self-described as somewhere to the right of Attila The Hun. They were particularly interested in my editorials, where I suggested the bombing took a lot more financing and organization than what two clowns making minimum wage at a hardware store could muster. 
  
  

I'm no conspiracy nut, but I still think McVeagh took a lot of secrets with him when he was executed; secrets that the federal government wanted to stay hidden. But then, I don't recognize foreign powers.

###

Nigerian bomber exposes Homeland Security incompetence

Nice to know that our Homeland Security system works. At least that's what department head Janet Napolitano says.

Never mind the fact that some 23 year-old guy named Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab got busted on a transcontinental flight trying to light up some powder in his underdrawers, powder that turned out to be a high explosive. Never mind the fact the guy was a Muslim from Nigeria with probable al-Quaeda ties, and was on the antiterrorism watch list. And was waved onto the flight without showing his passport.It seems that, as the plane approached Detroit, Abdulmutallab went to the aircraft's bathroom for approximately 20 minutes. When he returned to his seat, he said he had an upset stomach and pulled a blanket over himself. And waited until it was time to set things off.

The passengers on Northwest Flight 253 did a better job of flight security than the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) ever could. They caught up with Abdulmutallab -- he was easy to pick out because of the flames shooting out of his pants -- and proceeded to knock the fool out of him.One of the most glaring problems with Homeland Security is that it's reactive in scope. Every time something happens, there's a new rule. After Richard Reid was busted trying to light up his shoes, the TSA started having airline passengers take off their shoes as part of the check-in drill. More prohibitions started as more threats developed, and the whole process has succeeded in turning air travel into something you mentally prepare for, like a colonoscopy (why did I use that analogy?)

Much as I like to travel, flying is not on my list of fun things to do. It's rough enough for me, being something of a control freak, knowing that I'm not the one that's driving. But getting inspected before even boarding? You've got to be kidding.

Last time I flew was in 2006, five years after 9/11. I watched as one TSA inspector daubed the contents of my one checked-in bag before pitching it onto the conveyor. I stood in line, took off my boots, took everything metal out of my pockets, dumped all of that into my hat, and answered questions about my carry-on bag. The return trip was worse; I got the wand and the secondary inspection pit while my brother and his family were cracking up (I remember telling them to don't just stand there; take some pictures). A woman in her late 70s was in the other secondary inspection pit where TSA inspectors were going over her wheel chair.

Part of this is that the inspectors are trying to be all politically correct. Rather than profile the person, they're trying to profile the object -- shoes, metal objects, shampoo, bottled water, and now blankets and laptops. On the same flight, another Nigerian created another in-flight security scare because he spent too much time in the head, so you can expect that will be more closely watched. And so it goes, especially when Homeland Security is so badly behind the curve.

Again, rather than profiling the item, what's wrong with profiling the person instead? This bombing suspect paid cash for a one-way ticket. He didn't have his passport, or even luggage. He was Muslim. A Nigerian. His daddy, who is the former economics minister of Nigeria, said his son had been radicalized and warned authorities of this six months ago. Though he wasn't on the federal no-fly list, he was on a "terrorist identities" list of 550,000 names maintained by US authorities. What with those high explosives riding so close to his private parts, he had to have been more than a little nervous, maybe sweating something awful.

OK, right from the jump, isn't that enough red flags for you? But he made it through screening at two airports.

In light of Abdulmutallab's background and Homeland Security's capabilities, Dr. Magnus Ranstorp of the Center for Asymmetric Threat Studies at the Swedish National Defence College doesn't understand how the bombing attempt could have taken place.

"On the one hand, it seems he's been on the terror watch list but not on the no-fly list," Ranstorp said. "That doesn't square because the American Department for Homeland Security has pretty stringent data-mining capability. I don't understand how he had a valid visa if he was known on the terror watch list.

One thing that can be guaranteed from this incident: Despite Homeland Security's obvious failure here, it's a lead pipe cinch the federal government will use this incident to give that department even more power over our lives. Which should put frost in the heart of every thinking American. Really, the only saving grace with that scenario is that Homeland Security is so incompetent -- or maybe that's not such a saving grace after all.

Here's a happy thought: After Reid, passengers were asked to remove their shoes. Now that Abdulmutallab was caught with exploding underdrawers, is the TSA going to ask passengers to remove their ... never mind.

But I feel better knowing the system works. Janet Napolitano said so.

###

Satire: Writer takes a look at future air travel

While researching for my article on the Nigerian bombing suspect, I kicked up a piece in The Huffington Post about what may go on at airports in the future.

This article, written by Bob Geiger, has to be satire. It's too freaky to be real. Reading it now, it's a hoot. I'm not discounting the possibility that it may not be so funny later, though.

But in the meantime, read the article. Here's an excerpt:

... at Los Angeles International Airport a suspicious toddler was recently subdued by alert Transportation Security Administration (TSA) agents while creating a disturbance when asked by TSA employees to empty her SpongeBob SquarePants sippy cup ... "She was babbling in some foreign tongue," said TSA agent Fritz Warton, a hardened veteran in the war on terror. "It was either 'want juice' or 'death to America' and I damn sure wasn't waiting to find out which it was." ... authorities arrested the child's parents when they defended the young girl by claiming their 18-month-old daughter had not yet learned to speak. Todd and Wendy Jensen are being held without bond at L.A. County Jail pending transfer to Guantanamo Bay where they will face a military tribunal ... "It's just a shame so many parents are raising their children to hate America," sighed Warton, as he returned to frisking a wheelchair-bound elderly woman ...

Borrowing a disclaimer Edward Abbey used in "The Monkey Wrench Gang," all these incidents are real, and they happened three years from now.

###

NYT: Feds monitoring social media for protestors, tax cheats

There is plenty of misinformation floating around the Internet on those foaming-at-the-mouth sites, those that say there was no Holocaust, that 9/11 was a government conspiracy, that the feds distribute hard drugs in the ghettos to anesthetize the citizens. There's enough material online to fuel whatever conspiracy you're harboring this week.

These days, erosion of our civil liberties is a favorite subject for the purveyors of tripe. And it's a real enough issue, one that I've seen escalate ever since 9/11 and really hit breakneck speed over the past year. But many of these websites run stories on this subject, and much of what the writers tell you doesn't stand up to any real investigation. The Internet gives everyone a soapbox, and intelligence -- or sanity -- has nothing to do with it.

Up front: I don't like what the Obamas, Pelosis, or Reids are doing to the country, and I sure didn't like some of the responses to 9/11 (see: USA PATRIOT ACT) either. I don't believe the federal government has your best interests at heart. Barack Obama strikes me as a dangerous lightweight who's not far removed from the William Ayres of this world. But I don't believe he was born in Kenya, that he's a closet Muslim, or that he's the Antichrist either.

But when some of this stuff makes it in the mainstream media, it does give one pause. I took this editorial directly from the New York Times -- you know, The Gray Lady -- and am running it in its entirety here:

Twitter Tapping

"The government is increasingly monitoring Facebook, Twitter and other social networking sites for tax delinquents, copyright infringers and political protesters. A public interest group has filed a lawsuit to learn more about this monitoring, in the hope of starting a national discussion and modifying privacy laws as necessary for the online era.

"Law enforcement is not saying a lot about its social surveillance, but examples keep coming to light. The Wall Street Journal reported this summer that state revenue agents have been searching for tax scofflaws by mining information on MySpace and Facebook. In October, the F.B.I. searched the New York home of a man suspected of helping coordinate protests at the Group of 20 meeting in Pittsburgh by sending out messages over Twitter.

"In some cases, the government appears to be engaged in deception. The Boston Globe recently quoted a Massachusetts district attorney as saying that some police officers were going undercover on Facebook as part of their investigations.

"Wired magazine reported last month that In-Q-Tel, an investment arm of the Central Intelligence Agency, has put money into Visible Technologies, a software company that crawls across blogs, online forums, and open networks like Twitter and YouTube to monitor what is being said.

"This month the Electronic Frontier Foundation and the Samuelson Law, Technology and Public Policy Clinic at the University of California, Berkeley, School of Law sued the Department of Defense, the C.I.A. and other federal agencies under the Freedom of Information Act to learn more about their use of social networking sites.

"The suit seeks to uncover what guidelines these agencies have about this activity, including information about whether agents are permitted to use fake identities or to engage in subterfuge, such as tricking people into accepting Facebook friend requests.

"Privacy law was largely created in the pre-Internet age, and new rules are needed to keep up with the ways people communicate today. Much of what occurs online, like blog posting, is intended to be an open declaration to the world, and law enforcement is within its rights to read and act on what is written. Other kinds of communication, particularly in a closed network, may come with an expectation of privacy. If government agents are joining social networks under false pretenses to spy without a court order, for example, that might be crossing a line.

"A national conversation about social networking and other forms of online privacy is long overdue. The first step toward having it is for the public to know more about what is currently being done. Making the federal government answer these reasonable Freedom of Information Act requests would be a good start."

[A version of this article appeared in print on December 13, 2009, on page WK8 of the New York edition.]

Sheesh! It makes a fella want to unplug his computer for good, stock up on weapons and concentrated food, and barricade his apartment. No matter how you dissect this editorial, it's not going to give you that warm fuzzy feeling.

Especially when you consider the source.

###

Afghanistan surge: After eight years, where's the ball?

Now that we're throwing our military resources into Afghanistan, the question comes up: Will it make a lick of difference?

My answer is no. If anything, the administration's decision to send some 30,000 more troops into that desert non-paradise only came about eight years too late.

Eight years ago, in the days after 9/11, I was as hawkish as they come -- by all means, send our boys in. Pave the country over. Nuke 'em 'til they glow, shoot 'em in the dark. All that good stuff.

But, see, our leaders (Bush then) totally lost sight of the enemy. It turns out that in late 2001, we had Osama bin Laden in our grasp, and the slippery little bugger got away again. By that time, though, our ADHD administration found bigger fish to fry. Like Iraq.

All of a sudden, Afghanistan went on the back burner while we focused on Saddam Hussein and his minions. Which is interesting; even the massive, 567-page 9/11 report discounts any Iraqi involvement in that terrorist attack.

... meetings between Iraqi officials or his aides may have occurred in 1999 during a period of time of some reported strains with the Taliban. According to the reporting, Iraqi officials offered bin Laden a safe haven in Iraq. Bin Laden declined, apparently judging that his circumstances in Afghanistan remained more favorable than the Iraqi alternative. The reports describe friendly contacts and indicate some common themes in both sides' hatred of the United States. But to date we have seen no evidence that that these or the earlier contacts ever developed into a collaborative operational relationship. Nor have we seen any evidence indicating that Iraq had cooperated with al-Quaeda in developing or carrying out any attacks against the United States ... (Page 66, The 9/11 Commission Report)

Meaning we took our eyes off the ball.

After eight years we have no clue where that ball is now, and it doesn't matter anyway because the game essentially ended years ago. We're lined up at midfield where we think they are, while they're really inside the 20 yard line.

By rights, the war in Afghanistan should have been quick and thorough. But in warfare, time is of the essence. You have only a small window of opportunity, and we were busy doing other things when that window slammed shut.

While I was upset that Barack Obama dithered three months before deciding to send more troops, that's just a drop in the bucket. We've engaged in some serious navel-gazing for eight years. With that in mind, what's another three months?

That old military saw, "Fight 'em over there so you don't have to fight 'em over here" doesn't apply here. But it does show us where the ball is. Guess what? We are fighting 'em over here. Every suicide bombing, every threat of a suicide bombing, every terror warning stateside, every nutball who flips out and shoots a bunch of what he calls "infidel dogs" at a military base, is proof positive that we are indeed fighting them here.

We had our chance. Now, unless some stunning new development happens overseas, we're relegated to fighting al-Quaeda over here.

###

GOP trying to restrain its rogue elephants

I don't know if they're trying to clean up the party or just pass around the Kool-Aid, but the GOP is trying to cull those who aren't "one of them" from those who are.

Understandable, because the John McCains and Lindsey Grahams of this world are, well, they dress like Republicans but few are really sure who they are.

Future candidates may have a litmus test to determine where they're coming from, and the gold standard by which Republicans may be judged is none other than Ronald Reagan. The party drafted 10 questions to ask each candidate during the vetting process, and a failing grade (in this case fewer than eight out the 10 questions) is likely to cost them funding and endorsements.

Guys like McCain and Graham (who represents South Carolina in the Senate) are sure failures in the political quiz. As are a majority of the party's office holders, I'll wager. But Graham in particular is being branded as a RINO, Republican In Name Only, for his stances on health care and illegal immigration.

Which makes sense on the surface, but the party may be shooting itself in the foot here. Columnist Kathleen Parker calls the litmus test a "suicide pact."

The ultralib Daily Kos is having fun with this one, and one of its writers, in a tongue-in-cheek article, suggested its own litmus test for Democrats:

... out of pure bullet-point envy, I propose that Democrats must also have their own list. Ten litmus tests which every potential Democratic candidate should be able to ace before they ever hope to put (D) after their names. In fact, I'll go so far as to be more pure than the Republicans. If you can't pass every one of these tests, don't bother to sign on ...

Some of the Kos points include:

... (1) We support the rights extended to Americans extended under the Constitution. All the rights. For all Americans ...

I can't say I recollect the Democrats ever being all fired-up over the Constitution, but that's a separate rant. Let's move on:

... (5) We support American business, and recognize that an unregulated market is an unfair market, an unstable market, and a market doomed to failure ...

I'm trying to ignore the contradiction in that statement. To continue:

... (9) We believe that access to our government is not for sale. Not in the courthouse, not in the White House, and not in the legislature ...

Two words for y'all: BILL CLINTON! As in, Lincoln Bedroom. Remember?

To be sure, the conservative (Reagan) wing of the party really didn't have any muscles to flex until 1980. Before that, Barry Goldwater was the lone "real" conservative in a party that would surely flunk the litmus test today. And Goldwater was considered dangerous, a bomb-thrower, and not politically correct anyway. But after Reagan, there were few "real" conservatives to be had in the party -- surely not Bush Sr. or Jr. You'd have to drill deep among the also-rans in the 2008 primary to find one in Mike Huckabee, and even he's a little suspect.

To look at the GOP's history over the past 50 years, Reagan was the aberration. The party itself, well, it was hard to tell them from the other guys a lot of the time.

While it's nice to develop some sense of unity and identity, it's a real mistake to treat the party as a private club. In all its attempts to seek definition, the party will completely kiss off all the independents who are a better fit on that side of the two-party system. While they're about it, they might as well save time and concede the 2010 and 2012 elections right now. The party's in serious trouble right now; you don't fix that by narrowing your scope.

Let's say (purely hypothetical here; there's no way I'd even consider doing such a thing -- I'm already considered a loose cannon in some circles) I decided to run for Congress. Let's say it'll be in one of those nonexistent districts that were created by the recovery.gov website in the stimulus. There's no way I'm gonna pass that litmus test, though my politics are certainly closer to the Republicans than the Democrats. So I might as well forget about funding, endorsements, etc. The GOP wants a Reagan clone, and that ain't me.

See, I told you this is a stupid scenario.

More intelligent (now that's a stretch) voters are more likely to look at the candidate instead of the party. Anyone who goes into the booth on election day and chooses his candidate solely by the presence of a "D" or "R" beside the name isn't smart enough to vote anyway.

I've suggested this before. The two-party system is one of those things that was a real good idea at the time, outlived its usefulness, and is still hanging around searching for relevance. Sort of like the electoral college.

OK. So who's an elephant these days? And who's a RINO?

Eleph-ino.

###

Is anyone taking Woody Harrelson seriously?

What a strange society we live in. We love our bread and circuses, and don't give a rip about real-life issues.

And when a celebrity says something, we're more likely to give it credence than if Joe Lunchmeat says it.

I have to admit, I have a few "star-power" types I pay attention to. I always thought ex-basketball star Charles Barkley was a hoot, like when he recently said he may run for Governor of Alabama and said even he couldn't screw that place up.

But actor Woody Harrelson recently spoke with a Salon.com writer Andrew O'Hehir, and said that while JFK was the last great president we've had, Jimmy Carter was "pretty great."

Huh? The Jimmy Carter? The guy who oversaw a rare economic triple-double (double figures in interest rates, inflation, and unemployment)? The one who sat on his hands while the Iranians held hostages, and eventually launched a helicopter attack that would have been laughable if the situation wasn't so serious?

Yeah. That Jimmy Carter.

One must consider the source. Ol' Woody has been huge on loosening our marijuana laws, and has admitted to smoking a number or three every so often. Maybe the stuff really does distort one's perceptions. Uhh, cool, man ...

But enough of that. Let's go to the horse's ... uhh, mouth:

"Obama has the chance of becoming JFK or LBJ. I think JFK was one of our last great presidents, although I thought Carter was pretty great too. LBJ could have been a great president if he hadn't gotten bogged down in war, but that was quite a war to get bogged down in."

And about Obama?

"I think there's a lot of persuasive and powerful people around Obama. For a president to make his own decisions, I think that's a rarity. Even someone who we think of as our guy -- this is a guy with integrity, a guy who cares, for the first time in a long time -- in the Oval Office, even with him we don't really know who's pulling the strings. I think of every president as being a marionette. Whether he's any different, I don't know. Certainly his military advisors all want him to prosecute this war to the end, just as they did in Vietnam with LBJ."

I wonder if anyone's taking Woody seriously? And I wonder what Charles Barkley thinks of it all?

###

Paralyzed jihadist + PC government = Some real breaks

Major Nidal Malik Hasan, the suspected gunman in the Ft. Hood bloodbath that killed 13 people, is alive and awake. And, it turns out, he's paralyzed.

That's right. He's a paraplegic right now.

Now, how much do you want to bet our politically correct government -- the same one that kept him in the Army even though the FBI knew of his jihadistic leanings for at least six months -- will cut him some more slack?

If you want to know the last time a paraplegic was executed, I can't help you there. I can't think of any. In fact, you can bet he's not going to be the first; he'll get a pass on that. He might even catch some real breaks in his trial because of the injuries he received in the commission of a crime.

What's more, you can bet Hasan will get a lot of medical care while he's alive, and a serious effort will be made to restore function to the lower half of his body.

And you'll be paying for it.

Well, here's a comfort. Jihadists believe they'll be greeted in their afterlife by a whole mess of virgins. But in his current state Hasan won't be able to do much of anything except maybe stare at them.

OK, I feel better already.

###

Ft. Hood shootings had earmarks of suicide attack

We do live in an accelerated time. Not only were we getting real-time dispatches from the scene as 13 were slaughtered at the Fort Hood Army Base in Texas, but there was a lot of speculation about the suspect within minutes.

With this overflow of information, we're probably even more confused about what happened. And the stench of conspiracy, rivaling 9/11 and the Kennedy assassination, is finding its way into the headlines.

Especially when Major Nidal Malik Hasan, an army psychiatrist, was taken into custody and named as a suspect. That's when the rumors really started to grow legs.

According to the blogosphere scuttlebutt, the 39-year-old Hasan knew some of the 9/11 suicide bombers and worshipped in the same mosque ... that he was part of the Homeland Security panel during Barack Obama's transition into the White House ... that he shouted "Allah akbar!" in praise to Allah during the shooting ... that Texas Gov. Rich Perry said there were three shooters at the massacre ...

Take each of these and weigh them individually. Some of these are valid; others you can, well, you know. Blame on flat-out hysteria, or just on everything happening so fast the mind can't process everything accurately.

Congressman and retired military colonel Allen West (R-Fla) told The Hill that he believes the Fort Hood shooting is evidence that the "enemy is infiltrating" our military. You can say he's being hysterical, except I believe he's right.

The biggest question here is whether Hasan merely bucked under stress of his job or was acting out his own one-man jihad. Other questions came out as soon as his Middle Eastern surname was disclosed -- did he act alone? Was this part of a larger plot? Was this a terrorist attack, or was it just another guy going postal?

Senator Joe Lieberman, who called for a committee hearing on the massacre, is playing it as a terrorist attack, according to CNN:

... Saying it was too early to know Hasan's exact motive, Lieberman declared that if reports of the alleged gunman's possible Islamic extremism are true, then "the murder of these 13 people was a terrorist act."

"There are very, very strong warning signs here that Dr. Hasan had become an Islamist extremist and, therefore, that this was a terrorist act." He also called Hasan "a self-radicalized, home-grown terrorist" who had turned to Islamic extremism.

If it's true as it seems, this makes it the deadliest terrorist attack on United States soil since 9/11.

The politically correct failure

According to the London Telegraph, the FBI knew about Hasan for a while:

... the US Army major who killed 13 people in a shooting spree at America’s biggest military base had come to the attention of the FBI six months earlier over possible links to extremist comments posted on the internet ... Major Nidal Malik Hasan, a devout Muslim who was trying to buy his way out of the Army, was suspected of being the author of postings which compared suicide bombers to heroic soldiers who throw themselves onto grenades to save others ...

As the story develops, more into Hasan's politics and religious life come about. It turns out he had attempted to contact al-Quaeda, and the FBI had known about this. In fact, U.S. intelligence knew what this guy was all about even before he was assigned to Ft. Hood in July.

Now, here's the deal. We're in a war.

Although Afghanistan is the main theater right now, the war itself is against terrorism in general. Against the kind of terror that flattened the World Trade Center, tore a chunk out of the Pentagon, killed 3,000 people, and brought mass hysteria (see: USA PATRIOT Act) to our land. That kind of terror.

OK. That said, will anyone please explain to me what an obvious jihadist is doing in the United States Army?

And how, pray tell, did he become a major? Shoot, that's a commissioned office, ranking above captain and below lieutenant colonel. Most majors give orders, not take them.

You can blame our asleep-at-the-switch intelligence community for letting this guy in through the gates -- and it's a popular argument given the intelligence failures that made 9/11 possible.

But the failure ran much deeper than that. You can bet Hasan achieved that rank because it just wasn't politically correct to do anything else. That's all. Don't want to look like the bad guy because you're giving the Muslim close scrutiny. Never mind stirring the waters with all this bad talk of his jihadist leanings, about how he's really an enemy combatant in a U.S. uniform. What the hey, let's promote him to major and let the guys salute him.

Sorry, folks. Guys like that don't belong in our armed forces. And they don't belong at Ft. Hood. Guantanamo, or wherever it is they stash enemy combatants these days, would be a better venue for the likes of Dr. Hasan.

Planned, not postal

Dr. Paul Ragan, a psychiatrist from Nashville, told CNN he ruled out post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), saying Hasan spent much of his military hitch going to medical school on the Army's dime, and hadn't spent any real time in combat areas.

"I think religion did play a role," he told CNN interviewer Betty Nguyen. "Evidently he was counseled about proselytizing patients which was clearly a boundary violation. We have a report that he gave in his class at the fellowship, he was talking about endorsing suicide bombings. He was clearly engaging in some type of tunnel vision where this kind of radical view, which is not, as again the soldier said before, is not a part of mainstream Muslim religion. And so, he was -- there was something going on there, very much so."

Another psychiatrist, Dr. Peter Breggin, pulled no punches in the Huffington Post:

... Major Nidal Malik Hasan was driven by religious ideology. For years he openly claimed that the War on Terror is a war on Muslims. He announced on the Internet and to his fellow soldiers in a course on public health that a Muslim suicide bomber should be praised for killing a hundred soldiers. It's reported that fellow soldiers warned his superiors that he was a ticking time bomb ...

Like Ragan, Breggin says the evidence tilts more toward Hasan being a terrorist than insane.

... first, Major Hasan is a domestic terrorist and a traitor. Second, he's a madman--and that doesn't contradict his identity as a terrorist and a traitor. Third, there's nothing incompatible about being a psychiatrist and being a violent person ...

Hasan's behavior in the days before the assault, while certainly not normal, doesn't suggest someone who is mentally going where the buses don't run. He sold off his stuff and closed out his apartment, which is something you'd expect from someone who is planning to die. He knew what he was doing.

Although talk of a conspiracy is premature right now, the evidence points to the Ft. Hood massacre being an ideologically-driven terrorist attack.

###

USS New York's story is in its metal

Video of USS New York sailing up Hudson River

This was a favorie "fw:" email subject for a few years, but it's holding true. A new warship, the USS New York, was put into operation Sunday.

OK. Big deal. We commission new ships every so often. But this one is unique, and it *is* a big deal. What is arguably our biggest national tragedy went into this one.

Some of the metal in the bow of the ship -- seven-and-a-half tons -- was prized from Ground Zero, from the wreckage of the World Trade Center, flattened in 2001 in what could only be called an act of war.

Now, I don't know a thing about metallurgy, but I understand one of the reasons the towers collapsed was because of the intense heat of burning fuel when a pair of fully-loaded passenger jets slammed into them. The fireball weakened the metal to the point where it couldn't bear the weight of the buildings. I'm assuming the steel from the towers was remelted, perhaps mixed with other steel, and recycled that way.

But this is still a message, a real in-your-face to hostiles everywhere. As a nation we may be prone to hysteria (witness our post-9/11 behavior and subsequent attacks on civil liberties via the USA PATRIOT Act). Our government may be overrun with goofies. We may have an administration that is bound and determined to give the store away. But this is still America and we still have the right stuff.

Watch the video. If you live in the States and don't feel something as you view it, you're in the wrong country.

###

State too dangerous for Obamas, but then nobody's voting

From the Secret Service and one of our own congressmen: South Carolina is too dangerous for First Lady Michelle Obama to visit.

H'mm. This is especially interesting because Barack Obama spent time in Charleston during his campaign and said he loved the town.

Oh, that's right. The pursuit of votes supersedes all safety issues.

But not only does the Secret Service say the state is dangerous, but so does Jim Clyburn, a Democrat from this state. Clyburn cites the attitudes of people here in the Palmetto State.

OK, we do have quite a few people here who are ticked off at the government. A good share of folks who made the scene at Tea Parties and (when you could find one that was open to the public) Town Hall meetings. But that's not a South Carolina thing; that's nationwide.

And we've got our share of craziness in this state, between congressmen who shout "you lie" during joint sessions of Congress, an Appalachian Trail-hiking governor, and numbers that call South Carolina one of the most dangerous, worst-educated states in the Union.

Oh, yeah. There's the issue of the Confederate Flag by the state house, and the ongoing NAACP boycott of the state. But again, none of this stopped the Obamas from visiting last year.

But nobody's voting now.

This cynical move underscores politics at its worst. Joe Candidate shows up at your door, seeking your vote. Then says thanks, and you never see him again until it's time for another vote. And the Obama Administration just took that tack.

You don't think this advice has anything to do with the fact Obama didn't carry the state? He has proven he doesn't much care for dissent, and his Chicago political heritage is one of rewarding your friends and ignoring -- or even penalizing -- your enemies.

There are a lot of other places that should be too dangerous for the First Lady:

- Texas (which McCain carried) has more guns than a lot of countries.

- California (which Obama carried) has more crazy people than anybody.

- Mississippi (which McCain carried) is the one state that South Carolinians thank God for; without that state we'd be dead last in a lot of quality-of-life rankings.

- Nevada (a McCain state) is a place where people come in but never leave, especially if you spend too much time in the casinos. I've known a few people who visited, blew their grubstake, and ended up working in a casino to recoup.

- Then there's Chicago. The most grim place I've ever seen, and O'Hare Airport is another one of those places where you can visit and never leave. Oh, the Obamas are from Chicago? Whoops ...

There are a few places the Obamas can safely avoid right now, and who cares? Nobody's voting now.

Obama's Nobel Peace Prize explained by SC blogger

I got this from fellow South Carolina blogger Brian McCarty, who writes "Voting Under the Influence," and there's some stuff I just didn't know about Barack Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize.

While folks (including me) are still wondering what Obama did to win the prestigious award (it's like Most Valuable Player), you have to admit he's in some pretty fast company: Yasser Arafat (1994), Kofi Annan (2001), Jimmy Carter (2002), and Al Gore (2007). Not to mention the 1973 award, which Henry Kissinger shared with North Vietnam's Le Duc Tho. Tho turned down his award, saying nothing really changed in 'Nam. Plenty of intentions, but short on results.

From Voting Under The Influence:

Top 9 Reasons Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize..(not) straight from the Nobel Committee

9) Some guys from Chicago reminded us that a boss like Obama should be given the proper respect.

8) The other guy we were considering had this thing once with a chubby girl.

7) That Joe Wilson thing really pissed us off.

6) Hans has a brother in law in GITMO his wife wants home for Christmas.

5) W. never invited any of us to his ranch, so take that, Mr. Ex-President.

4) We had to be fair. Gorbachev won the prize after losing a war in Afghanistan.

3) Obama promised us the United States will be on the metric system and embrace soccer and warm beer.

2) We denied him the Olympics. We are dissing the American Dollar. We got to do something to keep Obama happy. After all, that brother still has the nukes.

1) China told us to reward Obama for his good behavior.

OK. Now you know.

###

You tell me: Can you think of any other reasons a sitting president who has been in office only a few months would get such an award? Is the Nobel Peace Prize trivialized, as it seems? I welcome comments ...