While thinking about spring ...

These started cropping up on median strips around Charleston this week. I'm not sure what they are; they may really be some sort of weed for all I know.

But a couple of things about this weed:

• I've never seen them grow anywhere else but in South Carolina. I've seen them in the Lowcountry and upstate, but oddly, not on the other side of the North Carolina line.

• They come out in the early spring, and are as much an indicator of the season as the dogwood, as the Bradford pear, as the pedestrian walking around in an intoxicated we-survived-winter-and-the-world's-all-right state.

• Plus, they hold their color for only a short time. Then they become true weeds; thrown into the fire and burned.

But the colors are very pretty. Weeds never looked this good.

###

Is it spring yet?

These Bradford Pear trees, popular in the South as an ornamental street tree, are usually among the first things to bloom out here. While temperatures are supposed to drop again this week, Charleston boasted springlike weather over the weekend with 80-degree days. This photo was shot Sunday morning off Rivers Avenue in North Charleston.

###

Don't just do something, sit there: America's laziest states

(He's not sleeping; he's hard at work inspecting his eyelids. Photo by Getty Images.)

Call it laziness or just smelling the roses a little bit, but taking it easy is an art form in some areas. Here's an interesting study on the subject by Business Week:

America's Laziest States 2010: More Sitting, Less Doing - BusinessWeek

The 10 most sedentary states are:

1) Louisiana

2) Mississippi

3) Arkansas

4) North Carolina

5) Tennessee

6) Kentucky

7) West Virginia

8) South Carolina

9) Alabama

10) Delaware

Of those 10, eight are in the Solid South while border-state Kentucky counts as a ninth in some circles. But dipping into the next rank of 10 you find the Northeast fairly well represented, a few Midwestern states, and one -- Arizona -- west of the Rockies.

Surprisingly, New York ranked 11th. A surprise because you'd think of all those get-'er-done ADHD types in The City. I guess those slackers upstate pulled the rankings right down.

South Carolina, the place I call home, ranks #8, Here's what Business Week says:

South Carolinians watch more television than all other Americans, according to BLS data. A report by the South Carolina Health & Environmental Control Dept. shows about half of adults do not get the recommended amount of physical activity, only one-third have sidewalks in their neighborhood, and only 37.4 percent use walking trails, parks, playgrounds, and sports fields for physical activity.

We're not lazy. We just know how to relax.

According to the stats from various sources, folks in Mississippi sleep the most at 8 hours, 59 minutes per day. That state also has the highest obesity rate at 33.8 percent. South Carolinians watch the most TV at 3 hours, 7 minutes per day, while Louisianans do less actual work at 2 hours, 41 minutes per day.

This working-per-day is an interesting figure, and it comes from the Bureau of Labor Statistics. That's the average for everyone aged 15 and older, and doesn't really take unemployment rates into consideration. Still, that's a lot of screwing off. By contrast, South Carolinians work a relatively industrious (!) 3 hours, 26 minutes per day.

Strangely enough, age isn't as much a factor as you'd think. Maine, the state with the oldest residents (median age 41.5 years) placed 16th, while Florida (40.1 years) came in 16th.

I'm surprised California didn't make the list ... oh, they said "laziest," not "craziest."

Never mind.

###

Sullivan's Island moves to ban singing, whistling, and the like on public streets

I'm pretty sure these laws are not written by someone who is from around here. There's no way. 

From the Digitel:

Sullivan's Island moves to ban singing, whistling, and the like on public streets (update: CNN picks up): "Update, June 23: What was that? The sound of a national network picking up the local News 2 report? Yes, it is. Check out the video on CNN.First reporting: Yes, it seems very silly, but they're copying the wording of a North Charleston ordinance already..."

I wrote about this some time ago, when Charleston approved an anti-smoking law (modeled after similar ones in New York City and the People's Republic of California):

... the smoking law came from elsewhere ... like it or not, Charleston is a town of transplants. A destination town. A lot of expatriate New Yorkers, people from Ohio looking for a warm place to sit, and a bunch of escapees from Atlanta's rat race. Mostly east coast people, though. I was once considered an oddity because of my California roots (although that's considered to be plenty odd anywhere). Now, there's a bunch more like me. Maybe I should apologize for kicking that door open; everybody wants to be the last person to move to a new area ... write this down. People who move to another area tend to want a couple of things: First, they're seeking a new life. And, once that's achieved (or not), they seek to make that new town Just Like Home ...  

Rick Huff, the late Bard of Folly Beach, wrote a song called "Come On Down," an open invitation for anyone to visit this area just so long as they remember to pack their manners. In his song he decried those folks who move in, feel the need to change things, and "get themselves appointed to Decidedly Ridiculous Boards:" 

Come on down.

You can tell us how to run our little town;

Yeah, come on down. 

Don't know how we made it this far without you around ...

Couldn't say that much better myself.

###

Haley, Scott make history with nominations in S.C. runoffs

Allegations of an extramarital affair didn't seem to hurt gubernatorial candidate Nikki Haley, as she easily beat Gresham Barrett for the Republican nomination for South Carolina Governor.

Meanwhile, Tim Scott beat out a "name" contender in his push to become the first black Republican to serve in Congress since Oklahoma's J.C. Watts left office in 2003.

Few knew who Haley was six months ago, and one month ago political blogger Will Folks claimed he had something going on with the candidate. But Haley easily won the nomination Tuesday, with 63 percent of the vote at last count. Her opponent in November is Democratic state Sen. Vincent Sheheen. If she wins, she becomes the state's first female governor.

Haley had some strong endorsements in the bag during her run for Governor, with Sarah Palin and current South Carolina First Lady Jenny Sanford -- who knows something about cheating spouses -- throwing their support behind her.

Scott, considered a long shot several months ago, beat Paul Thurmond -- son of Palmetto State legend Strom Thurmond -- for the nomination. He faces Democrat Ben Frasier in the general election.

###

Getting a handle on Alvin Greene

So who is this Alvin Greene character, and why is he an actual nominee for a U.A. Senate seat from South Carolina?

It's still a mystery. But he will run against Jim DeMint this year. That noise you hear is the sound of Democrats circling the wagons.

Understand, Demint is probably near the top of the Dems' take-em-out list. DeMint shows strong conservative chops, and he's become a favorite of red-state folks everywhere. He was considered vulnerable until last week's primary. 

Greene won the primary with slightly less than 60 percent of the vote, beating out former judge and legislator Vic Rawl in the process. No one is real sure why; Greene has no money. He has no name recognition. He has no job. He's a former military guy who was "involuntarily discharged" from the service six months before his hitch was to end. He faces obscenity charges; something about allegedly showing pornographic pictures to a college girl. None of this stuff came out until after the primaries.

And if you listen to this guy talk, well, you know he's out of his league. He can barely string a coherent thought together. First few sound clips I heard of him, I thought, man, that's some pretty strong medication he's on.

In the days following the primary election,  Rob Groce of The Examiner visited Greene at his Manning home in an attempt to get a handle on this guy. Groce, a rock-solid Democrat who was chosen as national delegate from his home district in 2008, came away with an uneasy feeling:

Meeting Alvin Greene: 

That eerie feeling of being stuck in a still shot from “The Last Picture Show” came upon me once again as I turned my head to look around.When I later saw the photos, I noticed that Greene’s appearance and expression seems unchanged in each one. Frozen. Blank. Distant.Lost.Before I walked into Greene’s home, I was still incensed from the dreadful results of the primary election.When I walked out, though, I felt despondent, and not because of the election results that somehow got him the nomination. I felt so sad because it was obvious that Greene … well … isn’t quite all there. In my layman’s opinion, and which might not mean much to some, I think there may be some medical reason.And I don’t think he was always like this, either. After all, media confirmed that he majored in political science at the Univ. of South Carolina, graduating in 2000. In the military, he worked in intelligence. But he wound being involuntarily discharged from service six months early, and while in a much lower role than his first field of military intelligence.That could indicate that something happened to Greene. An injury, maybe? A medical problem that’s affected his behavior and response? PTSD? I’ll never know the cause, I guess. And don’t really care to know, since it’s none of my business to begin with.As a voting citizen of South Carolina, though, the elections here are my business. And Alvin Greene is clearly unable to hold office ...  

I don't think this Greene drama is over yet. Rawl is challenging the results, and filed a formal protest earlier this week. The national media is laughing -- again -- at South Carolina, and voters in the Palmetto State are just plain bumfuddled. 

Although he is the party's nominee, Greene's probably not going to count on getting a lot of support from there. According to House Majority Whip James Clyburn:

No, I don't see myself getting behind Mr. Greene. The fact of the matter is, of course, I never said he was a Republican plant. I said he was someone's plant. And it turned up after the elections, we found out, as I said earlier, something untoward was going on ... now all of a sudden, we see that Congressman Joe Wilson -- his campaign manager, was, in fact, managing the campaign of my primary opponent. I saw the patterns in this. I know a Democratic pattern, I know a Republican pattern, and I saw in the Democratic primary elephant dung all over the place ... and so I knew something was wrong in that primary. And this result tells us that. People intentionally circumvented the law, the rules and regulations, did not file any disclosures, did not file any of their campaign finances, yet they spent hundreds of thousands of dollars running this campaign and broke every law.

Don't you just love politics? Isn't it better than daytime TV?

###

Mystery Senate nominee Alvin Greene swears he's serious; few agree

Just when you thought a little sanity had finally entered South Carolina politics, well, forget it!

Welcome to the political world, South Carolina style.


On Tuesday, some guy named Alvin Greene won the Democratic primary for United States Senate, to go against conservative Jim Demint.


Alvin who?


That's what the Democrats are wondering. House Majority Whip Jim Clyburn called for an investigation into the campaign. Party leaders are calling for Greene to step aside and let a real candidate run. Some party officials have even questioned his mental state. Greene, however, is saying he'll continue his run.

It's pretty obvious that South Carolina Democrats had a mass rectal-cranial inversion when they went to the voting booths this time around. 


By all accounts the 32-year-old Greene is an unemployed veteran, and no one is sure where he was able to pony up the $10,400 filing fee.


On top of that, Greene was arrested last November for felony obscenity, which he chooses not to comment on. But none of this stuff came up until after his nomination.


He beat out former legislator Victor Rawl for the nomination, with 59 percent of the vote. Besides his background, Rawl has a campaign war chest of $186,000 while Greene doesn't have a pot to pee in.


"60 percent (of the vote) is not luck," Greene told MSNBC commentator Keith Olbermann. "It's a decisive win."


Interesting, considering he really didn't campaign. No one knew who he was. There was no indication he did any traveling. there is an "unofficial" website for him, which he says is not an authoritative campaign site. There was also a Twitter account for him, but he said that was not his either. It has since been taken down; a wise move considering he has far fewer followers than even my modest 635.


And Democrats are saying Greene is nothing but a Republican plant, a tomato can set up to run against top target DeMint. But Greene says that isn't so.


"I have always been a Democrat, and I will always be a Democrat."


His chief campaign pitch is the need for jobs. That's a natural one for Greene, as he also needs a job.


You absolutely must check out this interview with Olbermann. It's a real hoot. Folks on Twitter are calling it "the most WTF interview ever" (I'm not gonna explain what that means). Greene sounds out of it, uncomfortable, inarticulate in the interview, even with Olbermann's softball questions.


According to Mother Jones Magazine, Greene is on intimate terms with these WTF moments:


"Greene insists that he paid the $10,400 filing fee and all other campaign expenses from his own personal funds. 'It was 100 percent out of my pocket. I'm self-managed. It's hard work, and just getting my message to supporters. I funded my campaign 100 percent out of my pocket and self-managed,' said Greene, who sounded anxious and unprepared to speak to the public. But despite his lack of election funds, Greene claims to have criss-crossed the state during his campaign—though he declined to specify any of the towns or places he visited or say how much money he spent while on the road. 'It wasn't much, I mean, just, it was—it wasn't much. Not much, I mean, it wasn't much, he said, when asked how much of his own money he spent in the primary. Greene frequently spoke in rapid-fire, fragmentary sentences, repeating certain phrases or interrupting himself multiple times during the same sentence while he searched for the right words. But he was emphatic about certain aspects of his candidacy, insisting that details about his campaign organization, for instance, weren't relevant. 'I'm not concentrating on how I was elected -- it's history. I'm the Democratic nominee -- we need to get talking about America back to work, what's going on, in America.' 


Has anybody figured out what he said yet? If so, please email me a translation.


Imagine how he'd do in a real debate, or in a conversation with a real reporter, providing there are any of those left. He'd be chopped up into cat food.


Not that this seems to make any difference with South Carolina Democrats. They voted for a name and a face, with no other information.


Shoot, if voters are that stupid, they deserve whatever candidate they get.


Meanwhile, it looks like it's gonna be fun times in good ol' South Kackilacky this November.

###

S.C. mulls Arizona-like immigration measure

Fasten your seat belts. This is gonna be a bumpy ride.

From The State, Columbia SC:

S.C. mulls Arizona-like immigration measure: 

A state Senate subcommittee meets this morning to discuss a bill that would empower local police to check the immigration status of anyone they stop or detain.However, it’s too late in the legislative session for the bill, which mimics Arizona’s controversial law, to become state law this year. That leads critics and political watchers to believe today’s meeting is more about political theater than creating a new law.“By doing it when they don’t actually have time to pass the legislation, they get credit for the symbolic stand without having to worry about how to fund the measure,” said Scott Huffman, a Winthrop University political science professor.However, Sen. Larry Martin, R-Pickens, who will lead this morning’s meeting, said that is not the case. None of the five members of the Senate Judiciary subcommittee are up for re-election, he said ...

About time someone got some sense in the state house.

OK. Here's the deal. We have a lot of illegals in South Carolina. It's not like in Arizona or The People's Republic of California, but we've got plenty. Enough in my neighborhood that, when I wear my Border Patrol t-shirt around the mobile home park, everybody scatters. 

The folks who say how terrible Arizona's law is, well, they just don't get it. At the risk of repeating myself, there's a reason these cats are called "illegal aliens," and the operative word here is "illegal." Got that? 

At bottom, we are a nation of laws. That's the only way we can get an even halfway just society around here. 

###

SC Gov. Sanford saw Argentine lover in Florida (AP)

SC Gov. Sanford saw Argentine lover in Florida
(AP): "

AP - South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford said Wednesday he spent last weekend in Florida with his Argentine lover, hoping to rekindle the affair that wrecked his marriage and his political future and brought a formal rebuke from legislators for embarrassing the state ...

Well? Right now he has nothing to lose. No wife, no reputation, and soon no job. He might as well continue the craziness he'd already started.

###

Snow brings back old memories, lessons

I don't do winter. I hate the cold, and the older I get the less I like it. I've never really been used to winter, and I don't plan to start getting used to it now.

That's one of the reasons I call the South Carolina Lowcountry home. But in my nearly 15 years here, I'm seeing a first. As I write this, snow blankets the ground.

Insane.

Again, I hear all of y'all Up North laughing. Accumulation in my front yard is probably about two inches; in most of the country that's nothing.

I define my life into three main periods, all set apart by geographical location. I spent my first 30 years in southern California, and in all that time I saw this kind of snow twice. If I wanted to see snow, all I had to do was look out my window at the San Bernardino Mountains, where there was plenty to be had. I spent five years in Arizona, and now here.

I did spend a couple of years in Indiana, a couple of years in Tennessee, and a year in the North Carolina hills, so yeah, I know all I need to know about winter. Cold. Uncomfortable. Terrible to drive in.

But pretty, and kind of fun.

I had dinner with a few friends last night, and we hung out inside while the snow fell. I went outside for a couple of minutes and promptly skidded, almost on my butt. I forgot that snow gets slippery. Barbara and her daughter, Elizabeth, both made snow angels while Derek (another expatriate Californian) and I shook our heads at the weirdness of it all.

At home, the front yard is covered. My third-world trailer park never looked better; it's like looking at a black-and-white photograph. My 15-year-old dog is as wonderstruck as I, and for a couple of minutes the arthritic old girl was a puppy again. Snow, she figured, is edible as long as it's not yellow.

A few snow things came back fairly quickly:

• The going-back-indoors two-step, where you stomp each foot, then bang your feet together twice. Especially important when your shoes have a deep tread (such as my Timberland boots). Snow belongs outside, not inside.

• It's not so much the sound of snow crunching underfoot, but the feel. There's nothing quite like it.

• Driving is rough. I bummed a ride home with Derek, and we swapped wisdom on the subject. Where you put your wheels is really kind of important; even more so than "high-siding" your tires on mountain roads. I remembered my first forays driving in snow (at age 37), when I learned that a Camaro with automatic transmission doesn't handle well under such conditions.

• Memories of my first snowman, sculpted on Mount Charleston, a few miles from Las Vegas. It was anatomically correct.

• Snow isn't for adults. Like Santa Claus or Trix cereal, it's something that was invented especially for kids. That's OK. For the night I became a 50-ish kid.

###

Dressing for weather becomes an obsessive science

It's getting to the cold part of the year in coastal South Carolina, with the occasional blasts of rain, so it's time for me to prepare.

Like figuring out how to dress. Or remembering how I did it last winter.

I know you folks Up North are laughing at this. As I write this it's 39 degrees outside, the high is expected to hit 53, and the temp is supposed to bottom out at 31 tonight. Shoot, that's what all of y'all would call a heat wave Up There. See, there's a reason why I'm Down South.

Yesterday I had to run some errands, a series of short lobs, easy bicycle runs. Except for the cold and the rain, it wasn't bad, but some preparation was needed.

I don't do cold weather very well, because I was raised in desert climates and because I don't have a lot of body mass. I don't have that padding you can only get from a lot of supersized fries and Big Macs (some hate my guts for that), so this preparation is crucial.

Before setting out yesterday, I had to really plan out the layers I was to wear. Admittedly there's a little obsessiveness-compulsiveness at work here; things have to be just so.

I have heavy-duty rain pants that I wear on the road for those rainy days. Even when it's not raining, the bike will kick up all the water that's already there, drenching me and splattering me with mud. These rain pants are thick, high-visibility orange, designed to be abused. The question is when to put them on.

If I put the rain pants on last, they're the quickest thing to remove. But I might as well forget about unzipping my jacket, or going into my pants pockets.

Then there's the issue of keeping my upper body warm and dry. I opted for a pullover sweatshirt, with a hooded jacket on top of that. Over all of this I had a cheap vinyl rain jacket. All good so far, but then I wanted to wear my long scarf. What was problematic was deciding where among the layers to put it.

Off with the rain jacket. Off with the hooded jacket. Put scarf on. Put jacket back on. Put rain jacket back on. And if I'd put the rain pants on last, that's another thing to deal with just to put the scarf on.

Then there are the usual carry-around items that I need quick access to. Wallet. Note pad. Pen. Cell phone. When I need these items, I need them right now, and I don't need to be feeling among all the layers to find them. Plus, when it's buried in all these clothes you can't hear the phone ring. Those went in my raincoat pocket, dry and accessible.

Finally, I'm good to go. Put the hood up on my jacket and raincoat. Put on my backpack, and hit the road.

One of my stops was at the bank. It's a local credit union where everyone knows everyone and the tellers greet you by name. My kind of place. I was telling the tellers about the preparation involved in bundling up, and one of them dropped the conversational bomb:

"How do you go to the bathroom?"

I hadn't even thought of that. Now, a day later, I'm still obsessing for an answer.

###

GOP says DeMint watching those pennies like a ... what?

Maybe it's the South Carolina sun softening the skull and affecting the brain. But another pair of political types ended up with feet firmly implanted in their mouths with comments about Jews.

What's funny is that Republican Party chairmen James S. Ulmer Jr., who heads the Orangeburg County GOP, and Edwin O. Merwin Jr., who leads the Bamberg County GOP, meant it as a compliment when they likened Sen. Jim DeMint's (R-SC) fiscal conservatism to the old stereotype of the penny-pinching Jew.

"There is a saying that the Jews who are wealthy got that way not by watching dollars, but instead by taking care of the pennies and the dollars taking care of themselves," they wrote in a letter to the editor of The Orangeburg Times & Democrat Sunday. "By not using earmarks to fund projects for South Carolina and instead using actual bills, DeMint is watching our nation’s pennies and trying to preserve our country’s wealth and our economy’s viability to give all an opportunity to succeed."

And of course that's when things got real interesting. The national media is having a high old time. This letter to the editor attracted the attention of CNN, lefty websites (The Huffington Post, Talking Points Memo, Daily Kos), the real alternative sites (Raw Story). State senator Joel Lourie, a Democrat and one of South Carolina's two Jewish lawmakers, rebuked the two on Monday, calling them "individuals who unapologetically espouse racist and stereotypical attitudes." He asked Karen Floyd, the state GOP chairwoman, to denounce the comments -- which she has done. In addition, Republican Jewish Coalition head Matthew Brooks blasted the pair, saying their comments "have done a tremendous disservice to their party."

DeMint took exception to Ullmer's and Merwin's letter. "The comments were thoughtless and hurtful," DeMint told CNN Tuesday. "The chairmen have apologized as they should have."

In his apology, Ullmer said he "quoted a statement which I have heard many times in my life, truly in admiration for a method of bettering one's lot in life ... I meant absolutely nothing derogatory by the reference to a great and honorable people. I hope that anyone and all who were offended by my comment will accept my humble apology."

The two wrote their letter in response to South Carolina State Rep. Bakari Sellers, who said DeMint was doing a poor job bringing in federal dollars for projects in South Carolina.

I mentioned The Daily Kos, a blog that, well, makes Barack Obama and Bill Ayres look like a bunch of far-right Neanderthals. The Kos writers seem to get their jollies seeing just how incendiary they can get, and here's how that site sees the whole incident:   

Obviously, Merwin and Ulmer used the anti-Semitic stereotype to praise DeMint, but that doesn't excuse their words. The depiction of Jews as misers is an offensive stereotype that has been used throughout history to fan the flames of anti-Semitism. If they weren't aware of this, then they are genuinely clueless; if they were aware of it, they are bigots.

Puh-leeeeze! (I don't know why I bothered to run this quote, unless it was just to illustrate how intolerance can run both directions.)

Actually, this incident is kind of refreshing, though in a perverse way. In the past few years -- and especially since the November election -- party lines have been even more clearly drawn than before. Ideology trumps everything else. It's become more and more unusual to see someone criticizing a person in his own party. And, after all the strangeness going on in the South Carolina political scene over the past few months, we could use some low comedy.

Meanwhile, this doesn't do much to rehabilitate the image of South Carolinians as a bunch of backward country boys. And those who "ain't from around here" are looking at this incident -- especially after Gov. Mark Sanford's non-hike of the Appalachian Trail and Joe "You Lie" Wilson's outburst at President Barack Obama -- and undoubtedly wondering if those rumors of inbreeding are true.

###

You tell me: What is it about my home state of South Carolina? Are there some horribly twisted family trees in SC politics? Is there a sane politician anywhere? Use the comments section for feedback.

South and North, explained

I love this ... my older brother sent this along, and it does explain a lot -- especially for those of you who, through accident of birth or lack of travel opportunities, never made it to the South.

(Rick, by the way, was raised in southern California like I was, but except for a few years in Florida -- which is NOT the South no matter what anyone tells you -- he's settled in upstate New York. Beautiful country, but there's lots of snow and the folks there, well, they talk different.)

The difference between the north and south.

The difference between the North and the South - at last, clearly explained....

The North has Bloomingdale's , the South has Dollar General.

The North has coffee houses, the South has Waffle Houses.

The North has dating services, the South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives; the South has .45's

The North has double last names; the South has double first names.

The North has Indy car races; The South has stock car races.

North has Cream of Wheat , the South has grits.

The North has green salads, the South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters, the South has crawfish.

The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt.

FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH......

In the South : --If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store... Do not buy food at this store.

Remember, 'Y'all' is singular, 'all y'all' is plural, and 'all y'all's' is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing 'You ain't from round here, are ya?'

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective 'big'ol,' truck or 'big'ol' boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

Be advised that 'He needed killin..' is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, 'Hey, y'all watch this,' you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we ain't gonna call 'em biscuits.

Disclaimer: In the headline, I called it "South and North," which is the correct way of putting it.

State too dangerous for Obamas, but then nobody's voting

From the Secret Service and one of our own congressmen: South Carolina is too dangerous for First Lady Michelle Obama to visit.

H'mm. This is especially interesting because Barack Obama spent time in Charleston during his campaign and said he loved the town.

Oh, that's right. The pursuit of votes supersedes all safety issues.

But not only does the Secret Service say the state is dangerous, but so does Jim Clyburn, a Democrat from this state. Clyburn cites the attitudes of people here in the Palmetto State.

OK, we do have quite a few people here who are ticked off at the government. A good share of folks who made the scene at Tea Parties and (when you could find one that was open to the public) Town Hall meetings. But that's not a South Carolina thing; that's nationwide.

And we've got our share of craziness in this state, between congressmen who shout "you lie" during joint sessions of Congress, an Appalachian Trail-hiking governor, and numbers that call South Carolina one of the most dangerous, worst-educated states in the Union.

Oh, yeah. There's the issue of the Confederate Flag by the state house, and the ongoing NAACP boycott of the state. But again, none of this stopped the Obamas from visiting last year.

But nobody's voting now.

This cynical move underscores politics at its worst. Joe Candidate shows up at your door, seeking your vote. Then says thanks, and you never see him again until it's time for another vote. And the Obama Administration just took that tack.

You don't think this advice has anything to do with the fact Obama didn't carry the state? He has proven he doesn't much care for dissent, and his Chicago political heritage is one of rewarding your friends and ignoring -- or even penalizing -- your enemies.

There are a lot of other places that should be too dangerous for the First Lady:

- Texas (which McCain carried) has more guns than a lot of countries.

- California (which Obama carried) has more crazy people than anybody.

- Mississippi (which McCain carried) is the one state that South Carolinians thank God for; without that state we'd be dead last in a lot of quality-of-life rankings.

- Nevada (a McCain state) is a place where people come in but never leave, especially if you spend too much time in the casinos. I've known a few people who visited, blew their grubstake, and ended up working in a casino to recoup.

- Then there's Chicago. The most grim place I've ever seen, and O'Hare Airport is another one of those places where you can visit and never leave. Oh, the Obamas are from Chicago? Whoops ...

There are a few places the Obamas can safely avoid right now, and who cares? Nobody's voting now.

If you drove for NASCAR, what would they call you?

I saw this on a race fan site.

Yeah, I reckon you'd have to be a NASCAR fan to dig this, or at least someone who spends some serious time Down South.

Enjoy!

Strange politics is universal, but SC brings giggles

Pitchfork Ben Tillman is but a memory, and probably a legend in some circles. John C. Calhoun's statue in downtown Charleston is a favorite rest stop for pigeons. Strom Thurmond has been dead for several years, although it's still hard to tell when the exact moment of flight took place.

But strangeness still seems to be the order of the day in South Carolina politics.

Witness the bizarre twists and turns in Gov. Mark Sanford's life. In his almost two terms at the state's helm, he showed himself a good, smart governor who only fell short in charisma and in playing well with others. Neither of these was enough to really handicap him, as he was considered prime presidential timber for 2012.

The whole Sanford story now reads like a bad movie script. Married man has midlife crisis so real you can paint it. Married man meets girl. Married man runs off with girl, leaving his job in the lurch. Married man's wife moves out with the kids. Married man swears other woman is his soul mate. Forget Days Of Our Lives; here's the mother of soap operas.

But while state Republicans -- Sanford's own party -- are looking at ways to escort Sanford out of office, another politico deflects some of the lightning. Relative unknown Joe Wilson pipes up during President Barack Obama's speech before a joint session of Congress and calls him a liar. Oops. Meanwhile, public perception is divided on Wilson: Hero or goat? Hey, I report. You decide.

Once again, recent events beg the question: What's up with South Carolina and politics? If you ask around, you'll probably get a bunch of different answers, mostly not complimentary. Some swear it's just because it's the South.

A close friend of mine grew up in the Lowcountry, and now lives up North. She's tried to lose all traces of Southernness, successfully so far. To hear her talk, you'd swear she was born and raised Up There (first time we talked by phone, she commented on how southern I sounded). To this day, about the only evidence she gives of her Down South roots is her love for sweet tea -- something that can not be found or duplicated above the Mason-Dixon Line (Note to y'all Up North: Sugar stirred in a glass of Lipton doesn't even come close).

To many Up There, a southern accent still brings a preconceived notion: Backwards country boy who probably shoots his dinner from his front porch. Uneducated. Barely literate. Family tree that doesn't fork. Confederate flag and rifle rack adorning the family truck. And racial relations? Don't ask.

I used to get asked that last question all the time from visitors from Up North. How's your race situation down here? Just fine, I'd say. How's yours up there?

It doesn't help any that South Carolina is a perennial tail-ender in those stats that folks love to toss around. Near the bottom in high school graduation rates. Among the lowest in literacy and the number of teeth per capita. Among the worst in obesity, diabetes, gun violence, and DUI fatalities. The rest of the southern states (not counting Florida, which was annexed by New York years ago) are also clustered toward the rear. If these statistics were horse races, you'd need searchlights to find us half the time. 

But it's our politics that really give people the giggles. Since I started reading newspapers, the only real Southern folks who made any kind of dent in presidential races were George Wallace and Jimmy Carter. Shoot, Jimmy's brother Billy would have been better in the White House, but only if you could catch him sober.

Now, it's Sanford and Wilson in the national arena, and the giggles continue.

My family is spread all over the country. Mom and Dad have lived in California for 50 years. My brother lives in upstate New York, and I've settled here in South Carolina. All of us are political watchers, and we've been known to talk a little trash to one another by email. So when Californians voted Gov. Gray Davis out of office in what amounts to little more than a coup d'etat and replaced him with a movie actor, you know the comments flew thick and fast. Especially when you consider some of the folks who wanted to be governor. There were a few actors (including Gary Coleman, the wisecracking kid from Diff'rent Strokes), Hustler Magazine publisher Larry Flynt (who billed himself as "a smut peddler with a heart,") porno actress Mary Carey, who repeatedly flunked IQ tests on Howard Stern's show, and about a zillion others. Now California is a wreck, with state workers and unemployment recipients wondering whether they'll be paid by check or IOU this week. The state is overrun by illegal aliens, my old grade school is now around 70 percent Hispanic, and it's getting harder to find someone who habla the ingles these days.

And New York? Let's see. Even after Sanford's life took a dogleg left, Rudy Guliani's marital relations still make him look like a Boy Scout. Hillary Rodham Clinton redefined political ambition while a senator from the Empire State. Former Gov. Eliot Spitzer found his name on more call girl customer lists than useful legislation.

Now New York is led by a blind guy, and California by someone who doesn't speak English all that well. But lately I've been on the receiving end of much of the familial trash talk.

Oops. There's a possum lumbering across my front yard. Better get the shotgun; guess dinner will be the other white meat tonight.