What's in that coffee? Wired unlocks some mysteries

When it comes to coffee, I'm what you'd call a maintenance drinker. That first cup in the morning starts my heart and gets my blood flowing; I begin to wake up with the second cup. By the third or fourth cup, I'm flat-out brilliant.

The stuff's magic. Once the caffeine hits my cerebral cortex, ideas start flowing. The world starts to look all right, and I'm ready to go out in it.

I like those really dark brews -- Cafe Bustelo espresso blend is my usual morning feeding. It's cheap, half the label is in Spanish, but it meets the criteria I'm after. I'll also go for some Hardy Passion, or something like that. The best coffee is the kind that tastes like someone left a cigar butt in the cup. The kind that looks like someone just changed his oil. Taken straight, of course.

Occasionally I'll go for some of the fancy stuff. A friend turned me on to the iced cafe mocha you get at McDonalds. Who'd think Mickey D's could do that? They couldn't even make a drinkable cup of coffee ... but their iced cafe mocha truly rocks butt. Recently, it ranked higher than the stuff at Starbucks and Dunkin' Donuts, and I believe it. It's more like a dessert than anything else, and I'll only have one when this friend and I go out for some.

Voltaire, the French thinker and gadfly, was a real two-fisted coffee drinker. Consumed 50 cups a day, he claimed. It's anyone's guess how many bathroom stops he made every day, though. Someone once warned him coffee was a slow poison, which gave him occasion to toss off that great line every coffee drinker should know:

"It must be ... I've been drinking it for 50 years, and I'm not dead yet."

Wired (how appropriate!) online magazine, in an attempt to unlock the mystery of coffee, ran a piece outlining what you'd find in your morning brew. It's probably not like reading the ingredients on, say, hot dogs or Slim Jims, but it's revealing nonetheless:

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Caffeine

This is why the world produces more than 16 billion pounds of coffee beans per year. It's actually an alkaloid plant toxin (like nicotine and cocaine), a bug killer that stimulates us by blocking neuroreceptors for the sleep chemical adenosine. The result: you, awake.

Water

Hot H2O is a super solvent, leaching flavors and oils out of the coffee bean. A good cup of joe is 98.75 percent water and 1.25 percent soluble plant matter. Caffeine is a diuretic, so coffee newbies pee out the water quickly; java junkies build up resistance.

2-Ethylphenol

Creates a tarlike, medicinal odor in your morning wake-up. It's also a component of cockroach alarm pheromones, chemical signals that warn the colony of danger.

Quinic acid

Gives coffee its slightly sour flavor. On the plus side, it's one of the starter chemicals in the formulation of Tamiflu.

3,5 Dicaffeoylquinic acid

When scientists pretreat neurons with this acid in the lab, the cells are significantly (though not completely) protected from free-radical damage. Yup: Coffee is a good source of antioxidants.

Dimethyl disulfide

A product of roasting the green coffee bean, this compound is just at the threshold of detectability in brewed java. Good thing, too, as it's one of the compounds that gives human feces its odor.

Acetylmethylcarbinol

That rich, buttery taste in your daily jolt comes in part from this flammable yellow liquid, which helps give real butter its flavor and is a component of artificial flavoring in microwave popcorn.

Putrescine

Ever wonder what makes spoiled meat so poisonous? Here you go. Ptomaines like putrescine are produced when E. coli bacteria in the meat break down amino acids. Naturally present in coffee beans, it smells, as you might guess from the name, like Satan's outhouse.

Trigonelline

Chemically, it's a molecule of niacin with a methyl group attached. It breaks down into pyridines, which give coffee its sweet, earthy taste and also prevent the tooth-eating bacterium Streptococcus mutans from attaching to your teeth. Coffee fights the Cavity Creeps.

Niacin

Trigonelline is unstable above 160 degrees F; the methyl group detaches, unleashing the niacin—vitamin B3—into your cup. Two or three espressos can provide half your recommended daily allowance.

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Interesting! I was aware of the antioxidant properties of coffee (tea also has this), but I didn't realize I was taking all these things that make the bathroom smell funny. It's probably a good thing I live alone.

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You tell me: Are you surprised by these findings? Does that morning blast create magic for you? Are you worried about smelly bathrooms, or does your need for caffeine make this a non-issue? Use the comments section for feedback.