How to get a human on the phone

It's part of progress. I think. Take certain, repetitive jobs away from crazy unpredictable drama-queen humans and give them to more sane, predictable machines.

(No wonder our economy is in the toilet!)

If you're like me, though, you'd get tired of talking to machines awfully quickly. Most of the time I'll hang up when calling a friend and his answering machine or voice mail picks up the call -- and I have that same technology on my cell phone.

But what about all those companies where you're going through prompts, punching in account numbers, hitting 1 for English, and hearing some computer-generated voice. Whatever happened to real live customer service?

Here are a couple of Web sites that supposedly give you the workarounds so you can get a real, live, warm-blooded human being in customer service land: dialahuman.com and gethuman.com. I haven't checked these workarounds out myself so I can't vouch for them, but you might find them interesting.

An article in Lifehacker discusses the Dial A Human service, and I urge you to scroll down to the comment section there. Readers submitted their own workarounds to getting away from the computer phone system. Some of these -- including pretending you're on a rotary phone (which I've done) -- or cussing like a sailor (which I've also done but not intentionally) seem to work.

Now, if there was some way to get a real, live, warm-blooded, intelligent human being in customer service, I want to know.

Computer system bites back; flights delayed

Man puts reliance in machine. Machine does everything man used to do. Machine bites man on the butt.


Or something.


It does sound like fodder for a fiction writer. In fact, novelists have picked up on the theme ever since, well, since there has been progress. Classics such as Fail-Safe and The Andromeda Strain, all the way down to the cheesiest sci-fi, went there.


As I write this, no one's real sure what happened to the Federal Aviation Administration communications system near Atlanta's Hartsfield Airport Tuesday, resulted in hundreds of flight delays.


Interestingly, once the first bulletins came out, the incident had very little news play. The story peaked for about 15 seconds, then got buried by other stories such as the Democratic National Convention, the Russkies, and Michael Phelps.


But in case you blinked, here's what happened:


According to CNN, flights at Atlanta's Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport were delayed Tuesday afternoon. The airport was having problems processing data, requiring that all flight-plan information be processed through a facility in Salt Lake City, Utah -- overloading that facility.


The two facilities process all flight plans for commercial and general aviation flights in the United States, said FAA spokeswoman Kathleen Bergen. So the delays were not restricted to Atlanta -- Chicago's Midway and O'Hare airports were reporting delays of up to 90 minutes.


But this was one of those coulda-been-worse scenarios. The FAA said there were no radar outages and said they had not lost contact with any planes. The roughly 5,000 flights that were in the air when the breakdown happened were not affected -- just those that were waiting to take off.


This all really isn't as bad as it could have been. Maddening though delays are at the airport (I speak from experience here, sitting through a 10-hour delay at O'Hare in Chicago due to weather), this is one of those things that, well, the imagination can run rampant over the results.


But the story itself went from news to snooze very quickly.


Things got kind of interesting when I picked up the news bulletin (which was texted to me by a local radio station). This was during a slow period at work, and some of us were tossing around possible scenarios.


Elaine, the office manager, suggested it was something terrorists would do -- anything that would upset the system, throw people into a tizzy. But Allen, who works the access gate with me, had his own immediate take:


"Hackers got 'em," he said immediately. Allen's pretty knowledgable about computers and has a slightly off-kilter outlook on life. (He also needs educating on what a hacker does. Those kids that break into computer systems for fun & havoc are crackers. Hackers play with code to improve a system, build a better mousetrap.)


It was interesting what was going through their minds. However, my own scenario was less malevolent forces and more idiocy. Systems break down, I argued. When they're sensitive systems they must be constantly monitored, and they still break down. The more convoluted the system, the greater the potential for a mass failure -- and the harder it is to diagnose and fix the problem.


Especially when man relies on the technology to do the work that used to be done by humans.


I've gone into convenience stores and could not buy something because, well, the computer is down. The place is out of business. Same thing with computerized cash registers at fast food joints.


Back in my taxi driving days, my company used what was called a computer-aided dispatch system. Computer-aided, my butt. A few times the computer crashed and we were out of business until the tech guy could bring us back up.


What really hurt was that no one in the office remembered how they dispatched calls without the computer. If we had, there may have been a fighting chance to keep up with things. (Another cab company I worked for had no computers, so calls were written on a legal pad and dispatched. We even had some quick-and-dirty protocols that would allow us to run in a power failure, but we never had to go that route.)


Where I work now, we check in trucks and containers using a mainframe, handheld computers, and a company-wide database system. A few weeks ago, the whole thing went down for about a half hour. We gate clerks continued to work, writing the info down by hand. A little slower, but we were able to pull it off. And this company is probably the least forward-looking operation I've ever worked for. Company attitudes are locked in the dark ages -- blame an employee rather than look for a glitch in the system -- but we still were able to do our jobs when the computers went toes up.


In Atlanta, the FAA was going back to the old days a bit, working by hand, releasing flights one at a time. Slower, but at least something was getting done.

Goodbye to my favorite hack

In the past I was able to post short entries by remote control, but those days are now over.

I'd submitted a number of shorter entries using a service called Jott, which allowed me to use my cell phone, call in news, and have it automatically posted into this blog.

A few days ago, the folks at Jott changed things around some. The system is now out of beta, and is considered ready for the masses. As a result, what used to be a free service is now something I'd have to pay for.

No complaint there. Jott has the right to charge whatever they want for their product and/or service. And as a consumer I have the right to determine whether the price they ask is worth it to me. And I stick with free (free as in choice AND free as in beer) software on my computer. I'm not about to break that tradition right now.

The original concept of Jott was a system that lets you dictate little notes to yourself, and it was expanded to let people send short messages to things like TypePad, WordPress, Blogspot, Google Calendar, and text/voice emails to people.

The free version still allows me to do a few things, including post short pieces to this blog. Very short. Like, very very short. In the past I had 30 seconds to say my piece; now I now have 15. Not even enough to kick out a short paragraph. If I need more time I'll have to subscribe.

The free version, I understand, is ad-supported. Which I can understand. So, too, is this blog, but at least on the ads in The Column, Reloaded I do get a (small) piece of the action.

The subscription price is not much -- it's chicken feed, in fact. But I'm not going to mess with it, so that will be the end of an era.

Oh, well. It was fun while it lasted. And I did enjoy beta-testing it.

Don't forget the hip waders when you surf

I love the Internet. I have to, for I spend so much time on it.

You can't beat it for research. In fact, just about everything you've ever wanted to know is probably in some cranny in cyberspace.

The downside is, just about everything you've ever wanted to know is probably in some cranny in cyberspace.

It's real easy to get crammed up in a state of information overload, even if you're a dedicated RSS'er like I am. I use Google Reader for my news feeds, and right now my reading list is several thousand articles. Of course, I'm not going to read all of them. I might not even scan all the headlines.

But what's even worse is that there's no real way of knowing, on the surface, what's true and what's not. Face it. Most of the stuff you read on the Internet will be pure, unadulterated crap.

That's often what happens when there's such a free flow of information. And the flow is a lot more free than it was even 20 years ago. But you sometimes get what you pay for.

Back in the day, the only way I could write this column so it can be read by more than a handful of people is to hook on with a newspaper. That means polishing up my resume, finding a publisher crazy enough to hire me, and cracking the editorial page. By then I will have been vetted, somewhat. The publisher could make a few phone calls to learn I'm OK as long as I take my medication, that I can be trusted with the news content, and that I wouldn't get drunk and file stories about the UFO landing on my roof. OK, a few Janet Cooks and Jayson Blairs may fall through the cracks, but for the most part the publisher can rest assured he's getting the genuine article (though no promises he's not getting a loose cannon in the bargain, but let's not go there).

Now, it's a lot easier. I just set up an account on Blogspot or some other blogging service (cost: free), set up my graphics, and write whenever I get a hankering to do so. It's up to the reader to determine whether I'm dumping a whole load of snow in his lap, and if I am, so what? Let the buyer (or surfer) beware.

This is why the so-called establishment press holds bloggers with disdain. Anyone can blog, while not everyone can report the news with some semblance of accuracy. A real journalist usually has some sort of college training, and he has to have a certain mindset to do the job. All a blogger needs is a computer.

Iin truth, though, it's a lot harder these days to find real reporters who produce the news without worrying about the consequences. To be done right, the reporter has to either own the presses or be kindred spirits with the guy who does. Either that, or get used to being fired a lot.

Marshall McLuhan, the Canadian thinker who foresaw the global village long before it happened, said it best: "Whereas Caxton and Gutenberg enabled all men to become readers, Xerox has enabled all men to become publishers." MacLuhan has been dead since 1980. What would he think if he was around to surf the Internet today? Might he give up all his credentials and raise hairless chinchillas instead?

Develop enough Internet presence (and really, it doesn't take much for Surfin' Joe) and your email box will soon be crowded with a bunch of communications marked Fw: -- and when I see these, my delete finger gets itchy. About the only exception I make is Fw's from family members, because sometimes they become subjects for ... this blog.

In your Fw's you might get a list of quotes attributed to George Carlin, or something else like that. Not too long ago, I got one from Mom sharing an essay from former Chrysler head Lee Iaccoca. When I get these, I always feel the need to go to the filter: the debunker's site snopes.com. Here are some of the things I checked out:

- Putting I C E (In Case of Emergency) on your cell phone -- true, sort of. It's one of those things that can't hurt.
- Dialing *77 for emergencies -- false, and a total waste of valuable time.
- Most recently, the piece about the USS New York, a ship with some parts made from steel recovered from the World Trade Center site -- it's one of those feelgood stories, and surprisingly, it's true.
- A very scary plug for DriveCleaner, which turned out to be one of the bottom feeders in the computer security industry. OK, this is an older one. It's in my old blog, and you'll need to scroll down. Still relevant.

Warnings and Swiss cheese

My brother Rick (who suggested this subject in a recent email) and I are of the same mind here. I can't remember all the particulars, but it was a virus warning Mom sent along. It was great, well meaning, but it was misinformation. Anyway, Rick and I researched the subject independently, and we discovered the same thing -- it was indeed misinformation. I sent a note to Mom saying so, while Rick went a little further. His missive went out to all the folks on Mom's mailing list, reassuring them that they can enjoy their computers now.

OK, what's the harm in sending out a little misinformation?

On the surface, not much. You, the sender, have your 15 minutes of infamy. It'll be forgotten tomorrow. Besides, there's so much crap on the Internet that looks so good, it's easy to pass something along as the real deal.

But, I'm convinced the more misinformation goes out, the more our brains turn into Swiss cheese. Most people won't trouble themselves to research something; they'll believe it and pass it along instead. But then, many folks will believe something because their favorite pop icon du jour said it's so. That's why Barbra Streisand carries so much weight. Instead of yet another former performer, she's a political pundit. Same thing with Michael Moore, the Dixie Chicks, Paris Hilton, or whoever.

It's already a given that people these days are a lot smarter in some ways, and a lot dumber in others, than they used to be. You can sit and place blame all day long, but what used to be an ironclad set of facts is now elastic. Subjects like history and the sciences are quite unforgiving and narrowminded with the facts -- either something happened or it didn't, either something works in this manner or it didn't. Some things just can't be rewritten no matter how hard you try.

And some things -- yes, like history -- do get rewritten a lot. Back in the days of the Soviet Union, the citizaens were told the Russkies invented the car, television, and anything else of any consequence.

When misinformation is repeated often enough, then a lot more people will take it to be fact. But just because the majority may believe something to be fact doesn't make it so. It doesn't even matter what sources you cite; you still can not change black into white.

Unfortunately, so many people -- and those numbers seem to be growing -- are easily impressed when you mention sources. It makes no difference whether the source knows anything about the subject he's sounding off about. What does a washed-up pop singer know about politics? What inside information does an ultraliberal movie director have on 9/11?

And you say you heard about such-and-such on the Internet? Boy, I'm impressed ...

Let's cut to the chase here. Surf away. Have fun. But keep in mind there's a lot of crap out there in cyberworld, and so much of it sounds good. Surf with your hip waders on. Best to practice that credo that was part of the indoctrination of many an old journalist (with apologies to my own mom, who loves me):

"If your mother says she loves you, check it out."

Baggy pants law may see the light of day

After similar laws were debated -- and tried -- elsewhere, the Charleston City Council spent several hours discussing the merits of an ordinance that would ban baggy pants before putting it on the back burner.

I'm talking about the low-slung, down-to-the-knees, prison-shuffle pants that the younger set finds so fashionable.

I wrote about this a year ago, when the subject was under discussion in Atlanta. This was while several rights-groups jumped on the cause saying it was targeting young urban black males -- who particularly favor the loose-fitting look.

It's interesting that the three Charleston council members pushing the hardest for a ban -- Wendell Gilliard, James Lewis, and Robert Mitchell -- are also black, and represent districts with a large black population.

"It's not going to be just targeting young black men," Lewis said. "Lots of people have baggy pants."

"You'll be in the mall having to walk behind these guys, having to look at their underwear, and it's just not appropriate," Mitchell said.

Gilliard, who brought a mannequin to Tuesday's council meeting to illustrate the clothing style he wants outlawed, said such fashion is a gang symbol, something he doesn't want in his district.

After some debate, the council voted 7-4 to put the matter on hold. But the battle lines are drawn, and I'll expect to see it up for consideration again before long.

Meanwhile, a state lawmaker is watching what happens in Charleston. Last year, state Rep. Robert Brown, D-Hollywood, called for a state ban on saggy pants before pulling back. "The ACLU and the NAACP — I didn't want to fight that battle at that time," Brown said. "I may still consider it, now that Jasper County has done it and Charleston is thinking about it."

State Senator Robert Ford -- also black -- said he also wants to see a state ban despite the opposition such an idea would surely face.

"If these guys want to look like prisoners, what's the next step?" Ford said. "If the civil liberty boys don't have enough sense, let them fight it. We won't stand for it anymore."

The American Civil Liberties Union hasn't made an official stance, but interim ACLU state head Graham Boyd, suggests a ban wouldn't stand up in court. "The government can't tell the general public how to dress," he said.

In getting such laws approved, timing is key. Whatever it is, you don't want to be first to propose or dispose anything earth-shaking. That is, unless you want a reputation for being different.

Let the folks Up North, or the weirdies in California be first. Then you can laugh at them, wait a few years, and do whatever it is they've done when no one's looking.

Smoking laws are a perfect example of this. I still remember people out here laughing their butts off when California made all places of businesses -- including bars -- into smoke-free areas. The laughter doubled when New York did the same. But a couple of years ago smoking was banned in all businesses -- including bars -- in Charleston. While mildly convtroversial, it'd already been done. The timing was safe.

This wasn't Gilliard's first trip in the fashion trenches. A few years ago, he sought to run sunbathers out of Marion Square downtown. The highly-visible park facing Calhoun Street was a favored site for college students to catch some sun. His efforts went nowhere, and college coeds continue to strip down to their thongs on sunny days. (Not coincidentally, this was about the time that businesses across the street from Marion Square became sought-after properties. Something about the view.)

As I mentioned a year ago, the baggy-pants situation is more of a generational thing than a racial one. White and black kids wear the 15-sizes-too-big pants, and it's oddly reminescent of my own battles with Mom and Dad over hair length. And if I was raising a teenager now, chances are we'd grapple over some fashion issue. It's just a part of growing up, I guess.

(Photos from the Post & Courier)

Iaccoca: Where Have Our Leaders Gone?

My mailbag is busy lately. This was sent to me today, and it's attributed to former Chrysler head Lee Iaccoca.

Unlike most of the garbage that finds its way in your email box (anything with Fw: in the title), this is the straight stuff. I checked with snopes.com, my favorite debunker of all things Internet, and this passes muster over there (unlike various things attributed to, say, the late great George Carlin).

(Just for grins, here's the Snopes page)

Anyway, here goes:

===============

Lee Iacocca, the man who rescued Chrysler Corporation from its deaththroes.
He's now 82 years old and has a new book, and here are some excerpts:< BR>


'Am I the only guy in this country who's fed up with what's happening? Where the hell is our outrage? We should be screaming bloody murder. We've got a gang of clueless bozos steering our ship of state right over a cliff, we've got corporate gangsters stealing us blind, and we can't even clean up after a hurricane much less build a hybrid car. But instead of getting mad, everyone sits around and nods their heads when the politicians say, 'Stay the course'

Stay the course? You've got to be kidding. This is America , not the damned 'Titanic'. I'll give you a sound bite: 'Throw all the bums out!'

You might think I'm getting senile, that I've gone off my rocker, and maybe I have. But someone has to speak up. I hardly recognize this country anymore.

The most famous business leaders are not the innovators but the guys in handcuffs. While we're fiddling in Iraq , the Middle East is burning and nobody seems to know what to do. And the press is waving 'pom-poms ' instead of asking hard questions. That's not the promise of the ' America ' my parents and yours traveled across the ocean for.

I've had enough. How about you?

I'll go a step further. You can't call yourself a patriot if you're not outraged. This is a fight I'm ready and willing to have. The Biggest 'C' is Crisis ! (Iacocca elaborates on nine C's of leadership, crisis being the first.)

Leaders are made, not born. Leadership is forged in times of crisis. It's easy to sit there with your feet up on the desk and talk theory. Or send someone else's kids off to war when you've never seen a battlefield yourself. It's another thing to lead when your world comes tumbling down.

On September 11, 2001, we needed a strong leader more than any other time in our history. We needed a steady hand to guide us out of the ashes. A Hell of a Mess! So here's where we stand. We're immersed in a bloody war with no plan f or winning and no plan for leaving. We're running the biggest deficit in the history of the country. We're losing the manufacturing edge to Asia , while our once-great companies are getting slaughtered by health care costs. Gas prices are skyrocketing, and nobody in power has a coherent energy policy. Our schools are in trouble. Our borders are like sieves. The middle class is being squeezed every which way. These are times that cry out for leadership.

But when you look around, you've got to ask: 'Where have all the leaders gone?' Where are the curious, creative communicators? Where are the people of character, courage, conviction, omnipotence, and common sense? I may be a sucker f or alliteration, but I think you get the point.

Name me a leader who has a better idea for homeland security than making us take off our shoes in airports and throw away our shampoo? We've spent billions of dollars building a huge new bureaucracy, and all we know how to do is react to things that have already happened.

Name me one leader who emerged from the crisis of Hurricane Katrina. Congress has yet to spend a single day evaluating the response to the hurricane, or demanding accountability for the decisions that were made in the crucial hours after the storm.

Everyone's hunkering down, fingers crossed, hoping it doesn't happen again. Now, that's just crazy. Storms happen. Deal with it. Make a plan . Figure out what you're going to do the next time.

Name me an industry leader who is thinking creatively about how we can restore our competitive edge in manufacturing. Who would have believed that there could ever be a time when 'The Big Three ' referred to Japanese car companies? How did this happen, and more important, what are we going to do about it?

Name me a government leader who can articulate a plan for paying down the debt, or solving the energy crisis, or managing the health care problem.The silence is deafening. But these are the crises that are eating away at our country and milking the middle class dry.

I have news for the gang in Congress. We didn't elect you to sit on your asses and do nothing and remain silent while our democracy is being hijacked and our greatness is being replaced with mediocrity. What is everybody so afraid of? That some bonehead on Fox News will call them a name? Give me a break. Why don't you guys show some spine for a change?

Had Enough?

Hey, I'm not trying to be the voice of gloom and doom here. I'm trying to light a fire. I'm speaking out because I have hope. I believe in America . In my lifetime I've had the privilege of living through some of America 's greatest moments. I've also experienced some of our worst crises: the 'Great Depression', 'World War II', the 'Korean War', the 'Kennedy Assassination', the 'Vietnam War', the 1970s oil crisis, and the struggles of recent years culminating with 9/11.

If I've learned one thing, it's this: 'You don't get anywhere by standing on the sidelines waiting for somebody else to take action. Whether it's building a better car or building a better future for our children, we all have a role to play. That's the challenge I'm raising in this book. It's a call to 'Action' for people who, like me, believe in America . It's not too late, but it's getting pretty close. So let's shake off the crap and go to work. Let's tell 'em all we've had enough.'

Make your own contribution by sending this to everyone you know and care about. It's our country, folks; and it's our future. Our future is at stake!

===============

I like what he says, myself.

School ... then and now

My brother sent this email to me today, and (maybe 'cause I'm old enough to remember those days) this sure strikes a chord with me.

Check it. Would make good reading as you pack your young'uns off to school for another year:

======

Scenario:


Jack
goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with
shotgun in gun rack.


1957 - Vice
Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets
his shotgun to show Jack.


2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to

jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for

traumatized students and teachers.



Scenario:


Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.


1957 - Crowd
gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.


2007 - Police
called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with
assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.





Scenario:


Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.


1957 - Jeffrey
sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to
class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.


2007 - Jeffrey
given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School
gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.





Scenario:


Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a
whipping with his belt.


1957 - Billy
is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and
becomes a successful businessman.


2007 - Billy's
dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and
joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she
remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's
mom has affair with psychologist.





Scenario:


Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.


1957 - Mark
shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.


2007 - Police called,
Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs
and weapons.



Scenario:


Pedro fails high school English.


1957 - Pedro
goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.


2007 - Pedro's
cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally
explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is
racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and
Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro
given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he
cannot speak English.



Scenario:


Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in
a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.


1957 - Ants
die.


2007- BATF,
Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism,
FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers
confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never
allowed to fly again.



Scenario:


Johnny
falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found
crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.


1957 - In a
short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.


2007 - Mary is accused
of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in
State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

======

If this fills you with a fine sense of outrage, congratulations. You're old enough to remember. If this doesn't, therapy won't help.

Answers to recent quiz

OK. For those of you who were wondering about that quiz from a week or two ago, the one listing grocery stores with the states, here are the answers:

Smith's ----------> D: Arizona
Ingles -----------> F: North Carolina
Super WalMart -> E: Just world conquest, baby!
White's ---------> B: Tennessee
Stater Bros. ----> C: California
Piggly Wiggly --> A: South Carolina


For the record, I scored 100 %. Well, I should. It's *my* quiz.

How much is gas really costing you?

Here's a way to find out ...