Stepping outside to puff -- at the Oval Office

Barack Obama sucks a butt. Will this create security problems in his new job?

(Photo from some site called angrywhiteboy.org.)

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Barack Obama may have a problem in his new job, though it'll something personal. He might have a terrible time finding a place to light up.

To my understanding, Obama's a cigarette smoker who's been less successful at quitting than he has been at winning elections or even dodging some of his questionable friends from the past. So far, he's been pretty circumspect about smoking. Yeah, we do like our presidents somewhat free of the vices, though I do remember a TV campaign ad showing Gerald Ford puffing on a pipe, and Bill Clinton popularized intern-flavored cigars. But give Obama credit. Even though the media-happy life in high politics means the public will know if the president belches or scratches, you have to really hunt the Internet to find pictures of him puffing away.

One of my coworkers brought Obama's habit to my attention, and it's probably no accident that this is the coworker who goes through about a pack of cigs per work shift. She feels Obama's pain, in other words.

I can understand this myself. I like to smoke, though I'll ration myself to two cigars a day. One is for work (which is outdoors, in that Great Big Smoking Area), and the other is for unwinding at home. But I'm used to stepping outside for this. The idea of running into the bathroom and announcing I'm going to powder my lungs went out a decade ago.

Obama says he won't smoke in the Oval Office. I know he won't be able to smoke in the more "public" rooms of the White House. It's murky whether he'll be able to light up in the residential part of the White House. And stepping outside is going to create a major logistical headache, what with his Secret Service protection.

I know something about how the Secret Service handles smokers. Firsthand. True story: Around 1990, wen sitting vice president Dan Quayle was making a speech in Riverside, CA., I was writing for the Fontana Herald-News. This was fairly high-security stuff; I had to go through a few hoops to get my press credentials. Several forms of ID. Maybe a mini-background check. A whole bunch of security things before I was allowed to enter the auditorium at Raincross Square that day. Before Quayle came on, we media types were herded into a conference room for sandwiches. After eating my lunch, I felt like having a smoke -- cigarettes back then.
Since the only place to smoke was outdoors, and to go outside would create a security problem, I was escorted by a Secret Service man. Now, I know I wasn't the only local reporter who smoked, but I'll bet most of them did the smart thing and lit up in the boys' room. By the time Quayle gave his speech, I was already feeling fairly conspicuous and ... well, was it my imagination that the Service guys were keeping a real close eye on me after that?
I'm not near the major security priority that Obama is now. Then, it took one Secret Service agent to escort me (and he wasn't much for conversation). With Obama, it would probably take at least a couple of Secret Service teams to pull this off. Gotta sweep the area first to make sure it's safe, establish radio contact, and perhaps have a volunteer agent take a couple of test puffs on the cigarette to make sure it's not one of those exploding kinds. Hey, it might be easier to give Obama some of that nicotine gum.
The economy is not going to be Obama's most pressing order of business. It won't be our energy policy. It won't be the War on Terror. His biggest priority will be in finding a place to light up.
OK. So what?
"Obama's going to get really cranky," my coworker suggested.
Cranky enough to make weird decisions in the midst of a nicotine fit? Make manic calls on the red phone? Cuss out a few heads of state? Maybe bomb the wrong guys? Already, it sounds like the makings of a bad novel. Whatever the scenario, I'm not really sure I want to see it played out.