The Column

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Testing out the perfect killing machine

Warmer stickier weather here in the South Carolina Lowcountry is bringing the usual byproduct: Bugs. Lots of 'em, and all kinds.

Yes, it's time to break out the roach traps, the mosquito repellent (DEET is the favored perfume this time of year), the bug zapper (which together with the lawn chairs and your favorite potable beverage makes for some first-rate family entertainment).

And if you're like me and prefer to keep windows open, you're sending out invitations for all this wildlife to move into your digs.

Because of this, I decided to break down and get me a fly swatter. But not just any fly swatter. This one's called Sergeant Swat.

You know the guy who invented the pet rock (I'm really dating myself here) is probably living on his own island right now, doing nothing more strenuous than playing with his investments. All because he took an ordinary item (in this case a random hunk of mineral), and sold zillions of them. You didn't buy it for the rock. You bought it for the instructions; they were pure genius. Same with the guy who designed the Weather String -- a piece of string you'd hang outside. The instructions told you that if it was wet it probably meant rain.

I picked up Sergeant Swat merely because it was there, it was cheap, it looked like it was pretty well designed, and it had some heft. If you're going to swat a fly, you don't want to just stun it. You want severe collateral damage, some serious splatter. You want shock and awe; hopefully it will serve as a deterrent to the rest of the fly community.

Other than that, it's pretty standard fly swatter design: The handle is metal wire like a coat hanger, and the business end is plastic, shaped like your standard killing instrument. All around, though, it is thicker. The head is about twice as thick as I usually see on this device, and the tip is beveled -- making it easier to scrape up all the fly parts.

Unpacking the fly swatter, I checked out the instructions on the attached card: "A military spec swatter for the toughest pests!"

The features of Sergeant Swat, according to the instructions:

- "Recoilless design allows for swat-attacks on even the largest of flying prey." I wonder how it is on bats? They kind of freak me out, especially when they're flying too close to my neck.

- "Precision manufactured flapper and super strong steel handle creates the most lethal flying pest killing apparatus the world has ever seen."

I soon got to test this apparatus out. Fluttering around on my living room wall was either a mosquito or pterodactyl (in South Carolina they're identical); a quick lefthanded backhanded flick sent him off to the Promised Land. There was little left but a grease spot on my wall and a few legs sticking out of it; I'm not sure what happened to the actual critter itself.

This was so cool. In my hands I had the perfect killing machine. My mindset is a lot more hawk than dove anyway, but I actually spent a few minutes on patrol in my house, looking for more bugs to squish.

OK, should I run out of flies, the instructions -- I'm not kidding -- list some "civilian uses" for the swatter:

- "For those that don't mind spreading a little bug shrapnel, try it as a backscratcher." No need. I can always find a fencepost or stucco wall someplace.

- "Canoe paddle, never know when you'll be up that creek without a real one." I'm going to have to keep that in mind; that's where I spend much of my life.

- "Redneck badminton." Being a redneck in good standing, I must take offense to this. Badminton is a sport for interior decorators.

- "Manual mouse-trap." Maybe this answers my question about the bats, which I consider to be nothing but rats with wings.

With a nod to the People's Republic of California and their ridiculous product-labeling laws, a few cautions are listed. Here's one:

- "While Sergeant Swat is effective on most campsite pests, it has been shown to only aggravate bears." I wonder who found this out, and whatever happened to him?

But then, I hear different things on what to do should you encounter a bear in the wild. Some species are scared off if you make a bunch of noise. Others will get real cranky and use you as a chew toy. Unfortunately, I never could remember which species is which.

One misgiving: While Sergeant Swat is marketed by Willert Home Products in St. Louis, the instruction card announces the swatter itself is made in China.

I'm wondering how much of our nation's big-time weaponry is also made in China. Should I be very very afraid now?


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