Where can I find some good coffee around here?

No wonder our civilization is in the toilet -- it's because the coffee around here sucks.

This isn't personal opinion talking; I'm getting this straight from Consumer Reports. The publication, which has helped comparison shoppers for about a million years, says there are no excellent brands of coffee around this year.

From Reuters:

... after tasting 37 different blended coffees, Consumer Reports couldn't find one that measured up to its "excellent" or "very good" ratings, the publication said Tuesday ... ranking at the top of the list of 14 caffeinated blends -- earning a rating of "good" -- are the Starbucks House Blend, calculated at 26 cents per cup, and Green Mountain Signature Nantucket Blend Medium Roast, at 23 cents per cup.

It turns out arabica beans are in short supply this year, and that's the good stuff. So we're having to make do with second-rate coffee.

See, I kind of had that hunch all along. Understand, I'm one who appreciates a morning cup o'joe -- and some in the afternoon and some more in the evening -- so my tastes for the brew are pretty well developed.

For me the perfect cup is black as old crankcase oil, hot, and full-bodied. In short, I like the coffee that tastes like someone left a cigar butt in the pot.

Now hear this:

The West wasn't won on a cup of that insipid watery stuff many folks swear is coffee. I mean, you can read through it. The stuff isn't even strong enough to defend itself.

And though I occasionally like a cappuccino as a treat, let's take a look at culture. The places where the people prefer cappuccino to regular coffee are those very same nations that need the Americans to haul their chestnuts out of the fire every 50 years or so.

I'm ready for a refill. The real stuff, and pour it like you don't own it.

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